Aly's World

Husband banned from Target

2011-03-14T14:54:00.000-06:00

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from our local Target.

Dear Mrs. Keith:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Keith, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he would invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

Thanks Melody!

Aly's World is Back

2011-03-14T14:50:00.002-06:00

So it's been a little while... okay so a couple of years but Aly's got a collection of stored up stuff to share.

For those that are new here, this blog is a collection of all the funny stuff that I have been sent or seen on the internets. Enjoy and let me know if you have anything to add!

Aly

Lost Baseball

2008-12-15T04:23:00.002-07:00

Thanks Bob!

Goldfish Bury

2008-11-02T18:59:00.001-07:00

Toto I Have A Feeling We're Not In Alaska Anymore!

2008-11-02T18:33:00.002-07:00

Things That Sound Dirty on Halloween

2008-11-02T18:32:00.001-07:00

1. So…What’d you get in the sack?
2. Once you get under the sheet, start moaning and groaning!!!
3. Just hop on that broomstick and ride it!
4. Those small suckers are gone in a few licks!
5. I got the best piece from that house.
6. Quit screwing around on the porch!!!
7. Stick your hand in and guess what you’re feeling….
8. It was so filled and heavy, I had to use TWO hands!!
9. They’ll suck you dry if they get their teeth in you.
10. I bobbed and bobbed, but couldn’t get my mouth around it!
11. She’s a goblin!
12. Let me see your bag….OH! You’re having a great night!
13. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.
14. She’s got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch.
15. If you just lick it, it’ll last longer.
16. Show me your JuJuBees and I’ll let you see my Zagnuts.
17. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth…
18. You scared me stiff!
19. He’s got Candy spread out on the living room floor!

ID10T Error FAQ

2008-11-02T18:28:00.002-07:00

Bonanza the Big Ride

2008-11-02T18:26:00.003-07:00

Dog Sings Happy Birthday Backwards

2008-11-02T18:26:00.001-07:00

Wal-Mart Cake

2008-09-16T07:31:00.001-06:00

It took me a second, but make sure you read the story under the picture.Keep in mind this actually really did happen. This is for someone who was moving from an insurance claims office.

Okay so this is how I imagine this conversation went:Walmart Employee: 'Hello 'dis be Walmarts, how can I help you?'Customer: ' I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.'Walmart Employee: 'What you want on the cake?'Customer: 'Best Wishes Suzanne' and underneath that 'We will miss you'.

STOP LAUGHING! You can't fix stupid.

Thanks Jim A.!

The Price of Akward

2008-09-05T13:25:00.001-06:00

Tracey Is Wrong

2008-09-05T13:18:00.001-06:00

The Truths...

2008-08-25T14:21:00.001-06:00

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandpa’s lap

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don’t hurt.
3) Families are like fudge…mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

What Can't You Get In Vegas????

2008-08-21T10:36:00.002-06:00

Yet Another Game Show Idiot

2008-08-13T08:41:00.000-06:00

http://view.break.com/547099 - Watch more free videos

Some Of The Best Junk Email I Have Gotten

2008-08-13T08:38:00.001-06:00

So Aly gets lots of spam email, but this one is a favorite. What do you think Margarita looks like???

Hello! I Margarita. I have seen your add and I think that you are a very interesting person. So I decided to use the chance to get to know you. Hope I will be lucky:-) I don't think that the age and appearance is so important though I am rather pretty. The most important what is inside you and how do you feel about the life. I know this life from many sides and I am rather mature already to know how to make a man happy. I don't know if you answer me or not. But why not to try? I will regret if not to try. I think we should use every chance to find our happiness. Life is too short to use it only for thinking and dreaming. I try to act but not only to dream. So here I am:-) I will not write you much about myself now. I will just give you an idea of who I am. I work to earn for my living. I have a higher education and I am rather intelligent. The only one I miss is a beloved person and I want to have a family . I have really many interests:music, reading, books, computers, movies, good conversations, sports and many other things which make the life wonderful. I like beautiful clothes and things. I can't say that I have many friends. I know many people but I am very picky about the friends. Friend is a person who will be with me all my life. And I am lucky to have some really good friends. But I am very sociable that is why there are many people I have good relations with. I live with my mum and she is very friendly though don't understand each other always. I am rather independent. And work to be able to pay for the things I want to have in my life. In some words I can tell you, that I enjoy the life as it is and I love the life with all it's aspects. I am very kind ( I am not boasting:-) ) which hurts me often. But I am strong enough to overcome the hardships on my way. I with impatience will look forward to hearing from you, as you have very much interested me. Please write to me directly at: maslenicca@gmail.com Have a good day!!!!!!! Margarita

Font Conference

2008-08-04T15:06:00.003-06:00

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

The Hormone Hostage

2008-08-04T14:55:00.003-06:00

THE HORMONE HOSTAGE
THE HORMONE HOSTAGE KNOWS THAT THERE ARE DAYS IN THE MONTH WHEN ALL A MAN HAS TO DO IS OPEN HIS MOUTH & HE TAKES HIS LIFE INTO HIS OWN HANDS!

13 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR:
1. PASS MY SHOTGUN
2. PSYCHOTIC MOOD SWING
3. PERPETUAL MUNCHING SPREE
4. PUFFY MID-SECTION
5. PEOPLE MAKE me SICK
6. PROVIDE ME with SWEETS
7. PARDON MY SOBBING
8. PIMPLES MAY SURFACE
9.. PASS MY SWEATS
10. PISSY MOOD SYNDROME
11. POOR MEN SUCK
12. PACK MY STUFF
& MY FAVORITE ONE
13. POTENTIAL MURDER SUSPECT

Thanks Cathy R.!!!

Environmental Hysteria Exemplified

2008-08-04T14:54:00.000-06:00

The below is a must see. The power of the human language at work. And people ask why I question the cause of global warming and all the dollars flowing to it? This is why.... This is a very funny video, but all too true in many cases. This day and age, if you don't know, ASK.......... If you are concerned about your environment and have started going 'GREEN' - you need to watch this video. Don't be an idiot. Click on http://www.lewrockwell.com/blog/lewrw/archives/013117.html

Thanks Rob!

Zachary Disease

2008-08-04T14:51:00.001-06:00

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.
So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose.' The woman did as she was told. 'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'

Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' So she did.

Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary diease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.'
Worried, the woman asked anxiously 'Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease?'
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.'

Thanks Rob!!!

Jim Gaffigan Saturn Commercial Outakes

2008-07-24T12:19:00.000-06:00

State Trooper vs. Undercover Officer

2008-07-24T12:14:00.000-06:00

http://view.break.com/539493 - Watch more free videos

New Change To The Cardinal's Uniforms

2008-07-24T10:52:00.002-06:00

7/14/08
(Brussels) Anheuser-Busch has accepted a $52 billion takeover bid from Belgium-based InBev NV to create the world’s largest beer maker and end a month-long standoff. While pitching the deal in recent weeks, InBev chief executive Carlos Brito has said that he is "committed to the city of St. Louis" and that changes here would be minimal. One that Brito said will show up shortly after this weeks Major League Baseball All-Star event in New York will be a minor one in the long standing uniforms worn by the St. Louis Cardinal Baseball team. First-baseman Albert Pujols, one of the first to try the new outfits said “while it may take a little time for Cardinal fans to fall in line behind the change, I personally like them a lot. They’ll really be enjoyable during those hot, muggy days in late July and August. I expect all of the fans will be wearing them before the end of the season!” Sporting goods stores around the St. Louis area report brisk sales of the new Cardinal memorabilia.

Thanks Rob!!!

Who Got The Job

2008-07-24T10:47:00.001-06:00

Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles refinery.

A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Bubba and said:

'Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Yankee the job.'

Bubba asked: 'And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy I should get the job!'

The manager said: 'We have made our decision not on the correct answers but rather on the one question that you both missed.'

Bubba then asked: 'And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?'

The manager replied: 'Bubba, its like this. On question #4 the Yankee put down; 'I don't know.'

You put down, 'Neither do I'.

Thanks Jim A.!!!

Never...Ever...Ever

2008-07-24T10:42:00.003-06:00

Never ...

Ever ...

Ever...

Put a FIRE CRACKER in your ass and light it...

Just how stupid does one have to be in order to try something like this?
I really don’t want to know……..

Thanks Jim A.!!!

Farmer's Daughter

2008-07-23T15:37:00.006-06:00

Thanks Dan R.!!!

The Fuxedo

2008-07-18T14:07:00.001-06:00

Return Of The Fruitcake Lady

2008-07-16T08:15:00.002-06:00

Thanks Rob!

Senior Citizens

2008-07-16T08:13:00.000-06:00

A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.

When the doctor enters the examination room he says, 'I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample.'

The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, 'What did he say?'

The wife yells back to him, 'GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!'

Thanks Jim!

Australian Golf Balls

2008-07-16T08:08:00.002-06:00

Thanks Rob!

Never Trust A Woman

2008-07-16T08:06:00.001-06:00

Thanks Rob!

And You Thought Your Day Was Bad...

2008-07-16T08:01:00.002-06:00

Thanks Rob!!!

And Then The Fight Started...

2008-07-16T07:59:00.000-06:00

.. AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED...

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station...And then the fight started....************************************************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'And then the fight started...***********************************************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.My wife asked, 'Do you know her?''Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.''My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'And then the fight started...***********************************************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'And then the fight started...

Thanks Jim!!!

Human Mirror

2008-07-11T15:35:00.001-06:00

Chicken Wing Math

2008-06-26T15:48:00.001-06:00

Hmmmm.... isn't it supposed to get cheaper?

I've Learned

2008-06-26T15:47:00.000-06:00

I’ve learned….That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
I’ve learned….That when you’re in love, it shows.
I’ve learned…. That just one person saying to me, ‘You’ve made my day!’ makes my day.
I’ve learned…. That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
I’ve learned…. That being kind is more important than being right.
I’ve learned…. That you should never say no to a gift from a child.
I’ve learned…. That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
I’ve learned…. That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
I’ve learned…. That simple walks with my father or mother around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
I’ve learned…. That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
I’ve learned…. That we should be glad God doesn’t give us everything we ask for.
I’ve learned…. That money doesn’t buy class.
I’ve learned…. That it’s those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
I’ve learned…. That under everyone’s hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
I’ve learned…. That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
I’ve learned…. That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
I’ve learned…. That love, not time, heals all wounds.
I’ve learned…. That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
I’ve learned…. That every one you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
I’ve learned…. That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
I’ve learned…. That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
I’ve learned…. That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
I’ve learned…. That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.
I’ve learned…. That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
I’ve learned…. That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
I’ve learned…. That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you’re hooked for life.
I’ve learned…. That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you’re climbing it.
I’ve learned …. That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

2008-06-26T15:40:00.000-06:00

When the lightning flashes, this is NOT what you want to see....

Taken Thursday night, April 3, 2008.
Lariat # 2 Sandridge Energy
South of Ft Stockton , TX

Thanks Rob!

Waitress Of The Month

2008-06-26T15:37:00.001-06:00

Thanks Rob!

Handle Stress The Dog's Way

2008-06-26T15:35:00.001-06:00

Handle every stressful situation like a dog.

If you can't eat it or hump it. Piss on it and walk away.

Thanks Charlie!!!

Vision

2008-06-26T15:34:00.000-06:00

The Price Is Wrong...

2008-06-23T15:34:00.001-06:00

Insane News Man

2008-06-23T15:30:00.001-06:00

Cool High Speed Camera

2008-06-10T10:41:00.002-06:00

Thanks Rob!

Post Turtle

2008-06-10T10:39:00.000-06:00

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our President. The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'post turtle'.' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was. The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'. The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain. 'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just wonder what kind of a dumb ass put him up there.'

Thanks Dan R.!!!

Another Idiot

2008-06-10T10:09:00.002-06:00

Thanks Rob!

Joke Of The Day

2008-06-05T14:27:00.000-06:00

A fellow was about to enter a bar when a dog tugged at his trouser leg and said to him, "Hey, pal! Wanna make some quick money? "The man couldn't believe his ears. He said to the dog, "Can you talk?" "Yeah," the dog answered, "and that's how we can pick up some easy money. You take me into the bar with you, pretend I'm your dog, and bet everybody I can talk."The fellow thought that was a great idea, so he took the dog into the bar, set it on the bar, and announced to everyone that the dog could talk. The other patrons didn't believe him, and it wasn't long before several thousand dollars had been bet. Finally, after all the bets had been placed, the guy said to the dog, "All right, go ahead and say something."Nothing.He told the dog again, "Hey! All the bets are placed! Say something, for God's sake!"The dog just looked at him and whined.He, asked again and again, but the dog wouldn't say a word. Finally, the fellow had to pay all the bets, scooped up the dog in disgust and walked out. Once outside, he screamed at the dog, "You just cost me way over a thousand dollars! You got anything to say before I seriously boot your mangy arse?""Take it easy, pal! You ain't thinkin'," the dog answered. "Tomorrow night, we'll be able to get odds of fives or better."

Sign Of The Times

2008-06-05T14:26:00.000-06:00

Thanks Maria!!!

Beach Bully

2008-06-05T14:24:00.002-06:00

Wow... Classy!!!

2008-06-05T14:22:00.001-06:00

Can you believe the tie?

When Good Logos Ideas Go Bad

2008-06-04T10:51:00.002-06:00

Another reason people shouldn't design their own logos.

Thanks Jim!

A Few Gas Price Funnies

2008-06-04T10:46:00.002-06:00

Thanks Rob!

Aly's World Has Cool Fathers Day Gift Suggestions

2008-06-03T08:14:00.003-06:00

Aly has been looking all year long for a gift for her father. If you're still looking for a cool fathers day gift of your own...

Here are some of Aly's favorites!!! Click Here to check them out.

Test Rabbits

2008-06-02T10:03:00.002-06:00

Three rabbits escape from a testing lab and find an entire field full of carrots. They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight. They screw themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, the rabbits get to talking. "I'm gonna go back to that field of carrots," says one. "I'm gonna go back to those cute little rabbits," says the second. "I'm going back to the lab," says the third. "I'm dying for a cigarette."

Drunken Man & The Blonde

2008-06-02T10:02:00.000-06:00

After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, "You wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The person replies, "I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?"

The man thinks for a while and replies, "Not if I have to explain it three times."

Broken Fan Belt

2008-05-30T16:15:00.002-06:00

So I am officially creeped out!

A guy in St. Louis was driving to work onHwy 144 when he heard a 'pop'! He thought it sounded like a flat tire,though his ride wasn't affected. After pulling over, checking the tires and finding them intact, he opened the hood to look at the motor.

Before the hood was even opened all the way open he jumped back in shock and knocked his head on the partially opened hood, unable to believe what his eyes were seeing! Nobody was going to believe this! You sure wouldn't have either! Fortunately, a coworker with a camera recognized him along side the road and stopped to see if he could help.

This has to be right up there at thetop of the list of unusual but verified 'Reasons I was late for work' !

Thanks Jim!

Nutrition

2008-05-28T15:27:00.001-06:00

For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health.It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Why Women Are Superior

2008-05-15T16:05:00.002-06:00

-We got off the Titanic first.

-We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

-When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's pathetic.

-Men's clothes make women look elfin and gorgeous. Men look like complete idiots in women's clothes.

-We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

-We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

-Taxi's stop for us.

-Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

-We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

-We know the Truth about whether or not size matters.

-If we're not making enough money we can blame it on the glass ceiling.

-It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

-No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival the male's Speedo.

-We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

-We never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.

Blonde On A Game Show

2008-05-15T09:08:00.002-06:00

A contestant on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the final plateau.If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000.If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money.And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover.It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?

Is it:

A) the condor

B) the buzzard

C) the cuckoo

D) the vulture

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. She hoped she would not have to use it because ... Her friend was, well--blond.But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.The blond responded unhesitatingly:

'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.'The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Meredith any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering her friend was a blond that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.'I need an answer,' said Meredith.Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.''Is that your final answer?''Yes, that is my final answer.'And Meredith replied, 'That answer is. Absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!'Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.'Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you ,' said the contestant.'How did you happen to know the right answer?''Oh, come on,' said the blonde...

'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.'

Oh Sorry...

2008-05-15T09:03:00.001-06:00

Blonde Joke Of The Day

2008-05-15T09:02:00.001-06:00

A blonde and brunette were walking down the road.
The brunette sees her husband, and he is carrying flowers.
The brunette says to the blonde “Now I’m going to have to spread my legs!”
The blonde then asked, “Why? Don’t you have a vase?”

Dramatic Chipmunk

2008-05-13T16:11:00.001-06:00

Chocolate Rain The Original

2008-05-13T16:09:00.001-06:00

Man Babies

2008-05-09T15:59:00.001-06:00

Okay, so this is slightly creepy but I love that someone has taken the time to do it: swapping your head with your kid's....

Thanks Maria!!!

Entrepenuer In Training

2008-05-05T16:19:00.000-06:00

How Marriage Changes You

2008-05-05T16:18:00.000-06:00

The Beatles Lied...

2008-05-05T16:17:00.001-06:00

50 Funnies Movie Scenes Ever

2008-05-05T16:14:00.000-06:00

Check them out here, complete with videos!

The Coolest Way to Shop You Will Ever See

2008-05-05T10:07:00.001-06:00

Will Jones' Turbo Cardio

2008-04-30T15:42:00.001-06:00

The Devil and His Balls of Steel

2008-04-08T11:11:00.000-06:00

http://view.break.com/482749 - Watch more free videos

You Suck At Photoshop #10: Vanishing Point

2008-04-04T12:38:00.001-06:00

NO DONNIE... COME BACK!!!

Some Quick Funnies

2008-04-04T10:39:00.001-06:00

Thanks Wayne W.!

George Carlin's New Rules Updated For 2008

2008-04-04T10:34:00.001-06:00

New Rule #1: Stop giving me that pop-up ad forclassmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days -- mowing my lawn.

New Rule #2: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?? Trout?

New Rule #3: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule #4: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket; water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is c alled a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule #5: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule #6: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet,' ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule #7: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule #8: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass and it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule #9: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!? They're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'

New Rule #10: I don't need bigger, mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule #11: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule #12: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months (e.g. 27 Months.) 'He's two,' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule #13: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'

Thanks Carol B.!

Be Careful Where You Stand

2008-04-04T10:33:00.002-06:00

What Is A Billion?

2008-04-04T10:28:00.002-06:00

What is a billion?
This is too true to be funny.
The next time you hear a politician use the word ‘billion’ in a casual manner, think about whether you want the ‘politicians’ spending YOUR tax money.
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of its releases.
A. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
B. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
C. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
D. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.
E. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.

While this thought is still fresh in our brain, let’s take a look at New Orleans It’s amazing what you can learn with some simple division:
Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D), is presently asking the Congress for $250 BILLION to rebuild New Orleans. Interesting number, what does it mean?

A. Well, if you are one of 484,674 residents of New Orleans (every man, woman and child), you each get $516,528.
B. Or if you have one of the 188,251 homes in New Orleans, your home gets $1,329,787.
C. Or if you are a family of four , your family gets $2,066,012.
Washington, D.C .. HELLO!!! … Are all your calculators broken??
> > Accounts Receivable Tax
> > Building Permit Tax
> > CDL License Tax
> > Cigarette Tax
> > Corporate Income Tax
> > Dog License T ax
> > Federal Income Tax
> > Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
> > Fishing License Tax
> > Food License Tax
> > Fuel Perm it Tax
> > Gasoline Tax
> > Hunting License Tax
> > Inheritance Tax
> > Inventory Tax
> > IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
> > IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
> > Liquor Tax
> > Luxury Tax
> > Marriage License Tax
> > Medicare Tax
> > Property Tax
> > Real Estate Tax
> > Service charge taxes
> > Social Security Tax
> > Road Usage Tax (Truckers)
> > Sales Taxes
> > Recreational Vehicle Tax
> > School Tax
> > State Income Tax
> > State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
> > Telephone Federal Excise Tax
> > Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
> > Telephone Federal, State and Local Su rcharge Tax
> > Telephone Minimum Usage Su rcharge Tax
> > Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
> > Telephone State and Local Tax
> > Telephone Usage Charge Tax
> > Utility Tax
> > Vehicle License Registration Tax
> > Vehicle Sales Tax
> > Watercraft Registration Tax
> > Well Permit Tax
> > Workers Compensation Tax

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY? Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.
We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
What happened? Can you spell ‘politicians!’

Magic Cereal Changes Your Skin Color

2008-04-04T10:23:00.001-06:00

Hawaii Chair Infomercial

2008-03-31T09:21:00.001-06:00

Thanks Maria!!!

Funny 911 call

2008-03-28T19:46:00.001-06:00

Skittles |

2008-03-24T15:42:00.005-06:00

Burger King's New Spot

2008-03-24T15:42:00.003-06:00

Kanye Hands

2008-03-24T15:42:00.001-06:00

Eagleman (The Original)

2008-03-13T15:00:00.001-06:00

WHY EVERYONE NEEDS AN AD AGENCY

The Office - Michael Scott aka Ladies Man

2008-03-13T14:53:00.001-06:00

dancing walrus

2008-03-13T14:52:00.001-06:00

sleeveface

2008-03-04T13:59:00.001-07:00

This is cool!

2008-03-04T12:18:00.000-07:00

Meanest Parents Ever

2008-03-04T12:17:00.001-07:00

Recent Study On Women

2008-03-04T12:07:00.001-07:00

A recent study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed

that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where

she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged & masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with

duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his forehead - while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected........

Thanks Carol B.!

Work

2008-03-04T12:00:00.001-07:00

Thanks Rob!

Little Miss

2008-03-04T11:47:00.000-07:00

Thanks Dan R.!

How I Feel Today

2008-03-04T11:33:00.002-07:00

Thanks Dan R.!

Ever Wonder What An Idiot Looks Like?

2008-03-04T11:31:00.000-07:00

Thanks Maria!

Star Wars according to a 3 year old.

2008-02-29T12:55:00.001-07:00

You Suck at Photoshop #7

2008-02-28T12:30:00.001-07:00

Cute little girl says frog *uncensored

2008-02-19T13:18:00.001-07:00

The Most Spoiled Girl In The World?

2008-02-19T13:15:00.001-07:00

Ticket To Hell

2008-02-01T16:24:00.001-07:00

Mazda

2008-02-01T16:23:00.001-07:00

Casual Day

2008-02-01T16:20:00.000-07:00

Thanks Rob!

Homemade Water Slide

2008-02-01T16:07:00.000-07:00

Thanks Rob!