Affairs

>The 1st Affair
>A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
>
>One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
>
>Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8pm.
>
>The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside
>and rub them in the grass and dirt.
>
>He put on his shoes and drove home.
>
>"Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he
>replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all
>afternoon."
>
>She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard!
>You've been playing golf!"
>
>The 2nd Affair
>A middle-aged couple had two beautiful
>daughters but always talked about having a son.
>
>They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
>
>The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
>
>The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
>He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
>
>He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
>
>Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
>
>Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
>
>The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
>
>"Not this time!"
>
>The 3rd Affair
>A mortician was working late one night.
>
>He examined the body of Mr.Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a
>startling discovery.
>
>Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
>
>"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you
>to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved
>for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and
>took it home.
>
>"I have something to show you you won't believe," he said to his wife,
>opening his briefcase.
>
>"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"
>
>The 4th Affair
>A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
>the front door.
>
>"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
>
>She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
>
>"Don't move until I tell you," she said, "pretend you're a statue."
>
>"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
>
>"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it
>so I got one for us, too."
>
>No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
>
>Around 2am the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a
>sandwich and a beer.
>
>"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two
>days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."
>
>The 5th Affair
>A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
>
>"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
>
>"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
>
>He glanced at the menu and asked:
>
>"How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
>
>"A nickel," the barman replied.
>
>"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
>
>"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
>
>The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."
>
>The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife ?"
>
>The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down
>here."
>
>The 6th Affair
>Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
>
>He looked up and said weakly:
>
>"I have something I must confess."
>
>"There's no need to," his wife replied.
>
>"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace.
>I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your
>mother!"
>
>"I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work."

Thanks Rob!