Aly's World: 2007-01-07

Fun With Puns

20 Things You Wish You Could Say At Work

I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a fuck.
How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?
It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Ahhh, I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
No, my powers can only be used for good.

The Circle Of Life

Redneck Pick-Up Lines

1) Did you fart?cuz you blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded?cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea ...I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card?cuz I'd like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you in I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.
8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"Woman - "WHAT?"Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."
9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
10) I can't fi nd my puppy, can you help me find him?I think he went inta this cheap motel room.
11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

I Want To Live My Life Backwards

You start out dead and get that out of the way.Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.You work 40 years until you're too young to work.You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.Then you become a baby, and then...You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...
You finish off as an orgasm.I rest my case.

Warning... Beer Contains Female Hormones

Last month, University of Botswana scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional.

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally.

8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.

via

Classy Weddings

Children

Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?

Children are natural mimics who act like their parents, despite very effort to teach them good manners.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the drive before it has stopped snowing.

"There is only one pretty child in the world... and every mother has it." - Chinese Proverb.

Children will soon forget your presents. They will always remember your presence.

The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your kids.

"Who are these kids and why are they calling me Dad?"

You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can never fool mum.

A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes.

Anyone who says "Easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried it.

The best inheritance parents can give their children is a few minutes of their time each