The Blonde At Starbucks

Blonde in Starbucks A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"

The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch." But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"

Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize.The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!"And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...



(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS, I PROMISE!)
"W I N A B A G E L"

Who's In Charge?

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs , "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum , "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days…
the brain had a terrible headache…
the stomach was bloated…
the legs got wobbly…
the eyes got watery…
and the blood Was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The asshole is usually in charge !!

Beer Is Important

Smoker

A Guide To Words That Women Use

1.) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right, and you need to shut up.
2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Don't be mad about this, it is just the same 5 minutes you use when it's your turn to help do things around the house.
3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine (see #1).
4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5.) Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word but a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing . (Refer back to #3 for the meaningof nothing.)
6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you - do not question or faint. Just say you're welcome.
8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying "%@&* YOU!"
9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "what's wrong" - for the woman's response refer to #3.

The Accident

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold, Monday morning. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man.
That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

Say What????

I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman.-- California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger

Please don't do any unnecessary driving unless it's absolutely necessary.-- Local radio announcer commenting on hazardous driving conditions

I speak twelve languages. English is the bestest.-- Stefan Bergman

I have a very high tolerance to alcohol. The problem is that I always get drunk long before I reach it.-- Naomi Rose

If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive.-- Samuel Goldwyn

There's a stalled car going west on Sunset Highway.-- traffic broadcaster's warning

There's nothing wrong with pregnancy. Half the people wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for women being pregnant.-- Sarah Kennedy

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.- Vince Lombardi

I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.-- Greg Norman

The telephone company is urging people to please not use the telephone unless it is absolutely necessary in order to keep the lines open for emergency personnel. We'll be right back after this break to give away a pair of Phil Collins concert tickets to caller number 95.-- a Los Angeles radio DJ shortly after the 1990 earthquake

The Hormone Hostage

13 Things PMS Stands For:
1 Pass My Shotgun
2 Psychotic Mood Shift
3 Perpetual Munching Spree
4 Puffy Mid-Section
5 People Make me Sick
6 Provide Me with Sweets
7 Pardon My Sobbing
8 Pimples May Surface
9 Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck 12. Pack My Stuff
and my favorite one. 13. Potential Murder Suspect

And remember: Money talks .... but Chocolate SINGS!!!

Words Women Use

1.) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right, and you need to shut up.
2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Don't be mad about this, it is just the same 5 minutes you use when it's your turn to help do things around the house.
3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine (see #1).
4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5.) Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word but a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing . (Refer back to #3 for the meaningof nothing.)
6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you - do not question or faint. Just say you're welcome.
8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying "%@&* YOU!"
9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "what's wrong" - for the woman's response refer to #3.