A Message To The Youth From The Over 30 (or close to it) Crowd...

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet.If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter ...with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had To hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!
And talk of about hardship? You couldn't just download porn! You had To steal it from your brother or bribe some homeless dude to buy you a Copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11! Those were your options!
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the Phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy Sony Play station video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever!And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and Harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!
Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning.Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, You spoiled little rat-bastards!And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up. we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire...imagine that!If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid JiffyPop thing and Shake it over the stove forever like an idiot.That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it Too easy. You're spoiled.You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!Regards, The over 30 Crowd

If I had the time I’d write a rubuttal to the Over 30 Crowd from the Over 50 Crowd and tell them how EASY they had it. Slackers!

Chinese Torture

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?""Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.""Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read,

"Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest.""Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out.As he did so he noticed another note on it that read:

"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read,

"Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

A Few For The Guys

What's the definition of the bravest man in the world?

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're next, fatty."

==Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading. Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."Wife replies: "I think you'll find that is a sheep."Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

==A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.He asks, "What are you doing?"She answers, "I'm moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I want to see how you live on $800 a year".

==A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected 2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee and a 250g pack of bacon.As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated," You must be single."The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."

The Princess

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the Princess. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, stone, anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured." The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the prince's pants?
M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking??

The Honeymoon

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home..., PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.

Affairs

>The 1st Affair
>A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
>
>One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
>
>Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8pm.
>
>The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside
>and rub them in the grass and dirt.
>
>He put on his shoes and drove home.
>
>"Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he
>replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all
>afternoon."
>
>She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard!
>You've been playing golf!"
>
>The 2nd Affair
>A middle-aged couple had two beautiful
>daughters but always talked about having a son.
>
>They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
>
>The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
>
>The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
>He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
>
>He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
>
>Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
>
>Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
>
>The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
>
>"Not this time!"
>
>The 3rd Affair
>A mortician was working late one night.
>
>He examined the body of Mr.Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a
>startling discovery.
>
>Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
>
>"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you
>to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved
>for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and
>took it home.
>
>"I have something to show you you won't believe," he said to his wife,
>opening his briefcase.
>
>"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"
>
>The 4th Affair
>A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
>the front door.
>
>"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
>
>She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
>
>"Don't move until I tell you," she said, "pretend you're a statue."
>
>"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
>
>"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it
>so I got one for us, too."
>
>No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
>
>Around 2am the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a
>sandwich and a beer.
>
>"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two
>days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."
>
>The 5th Affair
>A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
>
>"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
>
>"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
>
>He glanced at the menu and asked:
>
>"How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
>
>"A nickel," the barman replied.
>
>"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
>
>"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
>
>The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."
>
>The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife ?"
>
>The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down
>here."
>
>The 6th Affair
>Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
>
>He looked up and said weakly:
>
>"I have something I must confess."
>
>"There's no need to," his wife replied.
>
>"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace.
>I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your
>mother!"
>
>"I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work."

Thanks Rob!

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