The Right Angle #3

Thanks Sharon!!!

The Right Angle #2

Thanks Sharon!!!

The Right Angle #1

Thanks Sharon!!!

Smile!!!

Thanks Rob!!!

Ugly People

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their Maker and, because of the grief they have experienced, he decides to grant them each one wish before they enter Paradise.They're all lined up, and God asks the first person what their wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be gorgeous, too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only 10 people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says, "Make ˜em all ugly again."


Thanks Rob!

Letters To Santa

Dear Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,BiLLy

Dear Billy,Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care.. How about I send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa

Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,Sarah

Dear Sarah,Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa

Dear Santa,I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,Teddy

Dear Teddy,Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid, fat mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can build yourself a family with those?Santa

Dear Santa,I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drumkit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,Francis

Dear Francis,Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.Santa

Dear Santa,I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,Susan

Dear Susan,Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words, Jim Beam.Santa

Dear Santa,What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?Your friend,Thomas

Dear Thomas,All the toys are made by little kids like you in China . Every year I give them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. P.S. Tell your mom she got the part. Long Dong Claus

Dear Santa,Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we'reawake, like in the song?Love,Jessica

Dear Jessica,Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.Santa

Dear Santa,I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASEcould I have one?Timmy

Timmy,That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting an ugly sweater again.SantaDearest Santa,We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?Love,Marky

Mark,First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent, ghetto apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.Sweet Dreams,Santa

Thanks Angie!!!

Top 5 Adult Jokes of 2006

> Number 5:
>
>
>
> A man bumps into a Woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
>his elbow goes into her breast They are both quite startled. The man
>turns to her and says "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
>I know you'll forgive me."
>
>She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."
>
>
>
> Number 4:
>
>
> A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a
>gorgeous woman. He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.
>He
>asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book. It
>says that American Indians have the longest penises and Italian men are
>the best in bed. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
>
>"Tonto Tortolini, nice to meet you."
>
>
>
> Number 3:
>
>
>
> One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband
>starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry
>honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay
>fresh."
>
>The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back
>over
>and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow
>too?"
>
>
>
> Number 2:
>
>
>
> Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed
>there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his
>wife that he had terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis
>into the pickle slicer.
>
>His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it,
>but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the
>compulsion on his own.
>
>One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once
>that something was seriously wrong.
>
>"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
>"Do you remember th at I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put
>my penis into the pickle slicer?"
>
> "Oh, Bill, you didn't.""Yes, I did."
>
>"My! God, Bill, what happened?"
>
>"I got fired"
>
>"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
>
>"Oh..she got fired too."
>
>
>
> Number 1:
>
>
> A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the
>breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty
>years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
>
>"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as
>jaybirds fifty years ago."
>
>"Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times."
>Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
>
>"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My
>nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
>
>"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and
>the other is in your oatmeal."


Thanks Rob!
>

Southern Grandma

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

Redneck Christmas Part 2

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the trailerNot a creature was stirrin' 'cept a redneck named Taylor.His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle,And a-runnin' down his chin was a trickle of spittle.His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care,And therefore there was a foul stench in the air.
That Bubba got scared and rousted the boys.There was Rufus, 12 Jim Bob was 11Dud goin' on 10 Otis was 7.John, George and Chucky Were 5,4, and 3:The twins were both girls so they let them be.
They jumped in their overalls, no need for a shirt,Threw a hat on each head, then turned with a jerk.They ran to the gun rack that hung on the wall.There were 17 shotguns they grabbed them all.
Bubba said to the young'uns, "now hesh up ya'll!The last thing we wanna do is wake up yer Maw."Maw was expecting and needed her sleep,So out they crept out the door without making a peep.
They all looked around, and then they all spit.The young'uns asked Bubba, "Paw, what is it?"Bubba just stared he could not say a word.This was just like all of The stories he'd heard.
Santy Claus on the roof, darn tootin'But the boys didn't know they was about to start shootin'!They aimed their shotguns and nearly made a mistakeThat would have resulted in venison steak.Bubba hollered out, "don't shoot, boys!"That's Santy Claus And he's brought us some toys.
The dogs were a-barkin' and a-raisin' cain,And Bubba whistled, and shouted, and called them by name."Down, Spot! shut up Bullet! quiet, Roscoe and Enos!Git, Turnip and Tater and Sam and Bosco!"
"Git down from that porch! git down off that wall!Quit shakin the trailer, or you'll make Santy fall!"The dogs kept a-barkin' and wouldn't shut up,And they trampled poor Pete Who was only a pup.
Santy opened his bag, And threw out some toys.Bubba got most, but left a few for the boys.Since the guns had been dropped he just might not die.
He jumped in his sleigh, told his reindeer to hurry.The trailer started to wobble santa started to worry.Just as the reindeer got into the air,The trailer collapsed, but Bubba didn't care.
He was busy lookin' at all his new toys.Then a thought hit him, and he said to the boys:"Go check on yer Maw, make sure she's all right.That roof fallin' on her could-a hurt just a might."
But Maw was OK, and the girls were too.They fixed up the trailer it looked good as new.And as for Bubba, he liked Old St. Nick,But Santa thought Bubba was a pure-in-tee hick!
Bubba had a nice Christmas, and the boys did, too. And the Taylors wish a Yee Haw Merry Christmas to you!!!

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Redneck Christmas Part 1

Jacob's Christmas Coundown Calendar

Christmas Carols For All Types

So what category do I fall under?
>
>
> Christmas Carols for the Psychologically Challenged
>
>
> 1 . Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
>
> 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are
>
> 3 . Amnesia --- I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas
>
> 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
>
> 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets
> and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks
and
> Trees and Fire Hydrants and ...
>
> 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me
>
> 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
>
> 8 . Full Personality Disorder-- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why
>
> 9. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
>
> 10. Agoraphobia --- I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House
>
> 11 . Senile Dementia --- Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House in My Slippers and Robe
>
> 12. Oppositional Defiant Disorder --- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House
>
> 13. Social Anxiety Disorder --- Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate.

Thanks Angie!!!

This week we celebrate a special birthday.

Monica Lewinsky turned 31.Can you believe it?

It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees.

They grow up so fast, don't they?

(Her birthday is actually July 23rd, but this was so funny I couldn’t resist posting it when I saw it)

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