Despair's New Calendars

I love despair.com. They have a new option this year to build your own calendar along with personalized dates. This is a great gift for the eternal optimists in your life.

And Yet Another Bad Tattoo

Thanks Rob!

Things That Make You Say OMG...

Thanks Rob!

The Real Peter Griffin

The Best Football Quote Ever

Gay

Jacob's Water Cooler

Only In America

In 1994, a New Mexico jury awarded $ 2.9 million U.S. in damages to81-year-old Stella Liebeck who suffered third-degree burns to her legs,groin and buttocks after spilling a cup of McDonald's coffee on herself. This case inspired an annual award - The "Stella" Award - for the most frivolous lawsuit in the U.S. The ones listed below are clear candidates. All these cases are verging on the outright ridiculous and yet with theright attorney you could win anything! (see OJ trial)

January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded 780,000by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running amok inside a furniture store. The owners of the storewere understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehavingtyke was Ms. Robertson's son.

June 1998: A 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won 74,000 andmedical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car, when he was trying to steal his neighbours hubcap.

October 1998: A Terrence Dickson of Bristol Pennsylvania was exitinga house he finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to getthe garage door to go up, because the automatic door opener wasmalfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation. Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garagefor eight days.He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. Mr. Dickson sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars.

October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock Arkansas was awarded 14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbour's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in it's owner'sfenced-in yard, as was Mr. Williams. The award was less than soughtbecause the jury felt the dog may have been provoked by Mr. Williams who, at the time, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carsonof Lancaster, Pennsylvania 113,500 after she slipped on soft drink andbroke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threwit at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully suedthe owner of a night club in a neighbouring city when she fell from thebathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. Thisoccurred while Ms.Walton was trying to sneak through the window in theladies room to avoid paying the 3.50 cover charge. She was awarded 12,000 and dental expenses.And just so you know that cooler heads do occasionally prevail:Kenmore inc., the makers of Dorothy Johnson's microwave, were found notliable for the death of Mrs. Johnson's poodle after she gave it a bath and attempted to dry it by putting the poor creature in her microwave for,"just a few minutes, on low," The case was quickly dismissed.

Thought For Today

Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.
Joey Adams

100 Most Memorable Phrases

Sometimes it takes only a word, or just a few, to become immortalized in television history.
The TV Land cable network has compiled a list of the 100 greatest catchphrases in TV, from the serious Walter Cronkite's nightly signoff "And that's the way it is" to the silly: "We are two wild and crazy guys!"
The network will air a countdown special, "The 100 Greatest TV Quotes & Catch Phrases," over five days starting Dec. 11.
Here they are (in alphabetical order):
"Aaay" (Fonzie, "Happy Days") "And that's the way it is" (Walter Cronkite, "CBS Evening News") "Ask not what your country can do for you . . ." (John F. Kennedy)
"Baby, you're the greatest" (Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden, "The Honeymooners") "Bam!" (Emeril Lagasse, "Emeril Live") "Book 'em, Danno" (Steve McGarrett, "Hawaii Five-O") "Come on down!" (Johnny Olson, "The Price is Right") "Danger, Will Robinson" (Robot, "Lost in Space") "De plane! De plane!" (Tattoo, "Fantasy Island") "Denny Crane" (Denny Crane, "Boston Legal") "Do you believe in miracles?" (Al Michaels, 1980 Winter Olympics)"D'oh!" (Homer Simpson, "The Simpsons")
"Don't make me angry . . ." (David Banner, "The Incredible Hulk")
"Dyn-o-mite" (J.J., "Good Times")
"Elizabeth, I'm coming!" (Fred Sanford, "Sanford and Son")
"Gee, Mrs. Cleaver . . ." (Eddie Haskell, "Leave it to Beaver")
"God'll get you for that" (Maude, "Maude")
"Good grief" (Charlie Brown, "Peanuts" specials)
"Good night, and good luck" (Edward R. Murrow, "See It Now")
"Good night, John Boy" ("The Waltons")
"Have you no sense of decency?" (Joseph Welch to Sen. McCarthy)
"Heh heh" (Beavis and Butt-head, "Beavis and Butt-head")
"Here it is, your moment of Zen" (Jon Stewart, "The Daily Show")
"Here's Johnny!" (Ed McMahon, "The Tonight Show")
"Hey now!" (Hank Kingsley, "The Larry Sanders Show")
"Hey hey hey!" (Dwayne Nelson, "What's Happening!!")
"Hey hey hey!" (Fat Albert, "Fat Albert")
"Holy (whatever), Batman!" (Robin, "Batman")
"Holy crap!" (Frank Barone, "Everybody Loves Raymond")
"Homey don't play that!" (Homey the Clown, "In Living Color")
"How sweet it is!" (Jackie Gleason, "The Jackie Gleason Show")
"How you doin'?" (Joey Tribbiani, "Friends")
"I can't believe I ate the whole thing" (Alka Seltzer ad)
"I know nothing!" (Sgt. Schultz, "Hogan's Heroes")
"I love it when a plan comes together" (Hannibal, "The A-Team")
"I want my MTV!" (MTV ad)
"I'm Larry, this is my brother Darryl . . ." (Larry, "Newhart")
"I'm not a crook . .." (Richard Nixon)
"I'm not a doctor, but I play one on TV" (Vicks Formula 44 ad)
"I'm Rick James, bitch!” (Dave Chappelle as Rick James, "Chappelle's Show")
"If it weren't for you meddling kids!" (Various villains, "Scooby Doo, Where Are You?")
"Is that your final answer?" (Regis Philbin, "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire")
"It keeps going and going and going . . ." (Energizer Batteries ad)
"It takes a licking . . ." (Timex ad)
"Jane, you ignorant slut" (Dan Aykroyd to Jane Curtin, "Saturday Night Live")
"Just one more thing . . ." (Columbo, "Columbo")
"Let's be careful out there" (Sgt. Esterhaus, "Hill Street Blues")
"Let's get ready to rumble!" (Michael Buffer, various sports events)
"Live long and prosper" (Spock, "Star Trek")
"Makin' whoopie" (Bob Eubanks, "The Newlywed Game")
"Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!" (Jan Brady, "The Brady Bunch")
"Mom always liked you best" (Tommy Smothers, "The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour")
"Never assume . . ." (Felix Unger, "The Odd Couple")
"Nip it!" (Barney Fife, "The Andy Griffith Show")
"No soup for you!" (The Soup Nazi, "Seinfeld")
"Norm!" ("Cheers")
"Now cut that out!" (Jack Benny, "The Jack Benny Program")
"Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!" (Stan and Kyle, "South Park")
"Oh, my nose!" (Marcia Brady, "The Brady Bunch")
"One small step for man . . ." (Neil Armstrong)
"Pardon me, would you have any Grey Poupon?" (Grey Poupon ad)
"Read my lips: No new taxes!" (George H.W. Bush)
"Resistance is futile" (Picard as Borg, "Star Trek: The Next Generation")
"Say good night, Gracie" (George Burns, "The Burns & Allen Show")
"Schwing!" (Mike Myers and Dana Carvey as Wayne and Garth, "Saturday Night Live")
"Senator, you're no Jack Kennedy" (Lloyd Bentsen to Dan Quayle)
"Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids" (Trix cereal ad)
"Smile, you're on 'Candid Camera' " ("Candid Camera")
"Sock it to me" ("Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In")
"Space, the final frontier . . ." (Capt. Kirk, "Star Trek")
"Stifle!" (Archie Bunker, "All in the Family")
"Suit up!" (Barney Stinson, "How I Met Your Mother")
"Tastes great! Less filling!" (Miller Lite beer ad)
"Tell me what you don't like about yourself" (Dr. McNamara and Dr. Troy, "Nip/Tuck")
"That's hot" (Paris Hilton, "The Simple Life")
"The thrill of victory, the agony of defeat" (Jim McKay, "ABC's Wide World of Sports")
"The tribe has spoken" (Jeff Probst, "Survivor")
"The truth is out there" (Fox Mulder, "The X-Files")
"This is the city . . ." (Sgt. Joe Friday, "Dragnet")
"Time to make the donuts" ("Dunkin' Donuts" ad)
"Two thumbs up" (Siskel & Ebert, "Siskel & Ebert")
"Up your nose with a rubber hose" (Vinnie Barbarino, "Welcome Back, Kotter")
"We are two wild and crazy guys!" (Steve Martin and Dan Aykroyd as Czech playboys, "Saturday Night Live")
"Welcome to the O.C., bitch” (Luke, "The O.C.")
"Well, isn't that special?" (Dana Carvey as the Church Lady, "Saturday Night Live")
"We've got a really big show!" (Ed Sullivan, "The Ed Sullivan Show")
"Whassup?" (Budweiser ad)
"What you see is what you get!" (Geraldine, "The Flip Wilson Show")
"Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?" (Arnold Drummond, "Diff'rent Strokes")
"Where's the beef?" (Wendy's ad)
"Who loves you, baby?" (Kojak, "Kojak")
"Would you believe?" (Maxwell Smart, "Get Smart")
"Yabba dabba do!" (Fred Flintstone, "The Flintstones")
"Yada, yada, yada" ("Seinfeld")
"Yeah, that's the ticket" (Jon Lovitz as the pathological liar, "Saturday Night Live")
"You eeeediot!" (Ren, "Ren & Stimpy")
"You look mahvelous!" (Billy Crystal as Fernando, "Saturday Night Live")
"You rang?" (Lurch, "The Addams Family")
"You're fired!" (Donald Trump, "The Apprentice")
"You've got spunk . . ." (Lou Grant, "The Mary Tyler Moore Show")

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Flag Makeover

Breakdancing Baby

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The Widow

In a dark and gloomy room, the fortune teller was startled by what she saw in her crystal ball. She looked up at her customer, sitting across the table. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked, "Will I get away with it?"

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Deaf Bookeeper

A Mafia godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten
million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in
the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything
that he might have to testify about in court. When the godfather goes to
confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his
attorney, who knows sign language. The godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him
where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign
language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is. The bookkeeper signs
back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the
godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The godfather
pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, and says, "Ask him
again!" The attorney signs to t he bookkeeper, "He'll kill you if you don't
tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!" The
godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies, "He
says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Thanks Randy H.

Evalution Of Video Games

Way Past 1st Base

Not Bad For A Rookie

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Only A Man Would Need A Warning Like This

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Abstinenance

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."


The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"


The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."


"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.


The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"


The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it."


"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.


The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"


"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.


"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.


"My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."


"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know," said the young man. "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore either."

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I Need One Of These

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