Why?

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Oklahoman Jokes For Today

You know you're from Oklahoma if:
* You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
* You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
* You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
* Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
* The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on the amount of gas in the tank.

Q: How does an Oklahoma girl earn money for college?
A: The Tooth Fairy.

Q: What does a tornado and a Sooner cheerleader have in common?
A: They both eventually end up in a trailer park.

If a Sooner and his wife move to Arkansas and later get divorced, are they still legally brother and sister?

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How To Assign Employees

Does your company have a problem in recruiting the right guy for the right position? Try this simple experiment to place your employees where they belong!Place some 100 bricks in a closed room with an open window. Then send two or three candidates into the room and close it from outside. Come back after 6 hours and then analyse the situation:

If they are counting and recounting the bricks, put them in the Accounts Department.
If they are wrongly counting the bricks, put them in Stores and Inventory.
If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
If they are arranging the bricks in some different order, put them in Planning.
If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
If they have thrown the bricks out of the window, put them in the Materials Department.
If they are clinging on to the bricks, place them in the Treasury.
If they say they have tried different combinations (yet not a brick has moved), put them in Sales.
If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.
If they are staring out of the window, put them in Shipping.
If they are searching for defects, put them in Quality Control.
If they are talking to each other and not a brick has been moved, put them in Top Management.

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Things That Make You Go Hmmmm

INTERESTING OBSERVATIONS WITH AN
AMAZING CONCLUSION !!!
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
and...
6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

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Never Forget Your Anniversary Again...

What will they think of next????

Remember Ring heats up on your anniversary The "Remember Ring" is programmed to breifly heat up to 120 deg F every hour on the hour on a specific date -- such as your anniversary. It powers itself with a "micro thermopile" that turns heat from your hand into stored electricity that runs its internal clock and the heater. Link (via Gizmodo)

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A Day Off Work With The Kids

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not bothered to phone in sick one day.Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child'swhisper."Hello.""Is your daddy home?" he asked."Yes", whispered the small voice."May I talk with him?"The child whispered, "No."Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?""Yes.""May I talk with her?"Again the small voice whispered, "No."Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?""Yes", whispered the child, "a Policeman".Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?""No, he's busy", whispered the child."Busy doing what?""Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?""A helicopter", answered the whispering voice."What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter."Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle......."ME."

Thanks Kristy!

I Love Dr. Suess

Dr. Seuss’ Taxidermy Shop!
Despite being a fairly avid Dr. Seuss fan, somehow I’d never heard about his escapades in taxidermy. But, what an amazing collection! Back in the 1930’s the good doctor decided to play with mixed-media sculptures, and since his father was a superintendent at the Forest Park Zoo, Seuss actually collected beaks, antlers and horns from deceased animals and used them in his work. So what kind of imaginary animals did Dr. Seuss hunt? The big game below include the Adoluvian Grackler, the Two Horned Drouberhannis, the Mulberry Street Unicorn and a Sawfish. Best of all, you can actually purchase that and other work here! Link via Neatorama.
Dr. Seuss’ Taxidermy Shop!
Despite being a fairly avid Dr. Seuss fan, somehow I’d never heard about his escapades in taxidermy. But, what an amazing collection! Back in the 1930’s the good doctor decided to play with mixed-media sculptures, and since his father was a superintendent at the Forest Park Zoo, Seuss actually collected beaks, antlers and horns from deceased animals and used them in his work. So what kind of imaginary animals did Dr. Seuss hunt? The big game below include the Adoluvian Grackler, the Two Horned Drouberhannis, the Mulberry Street Unicorn and a Sawfish. Best of all, you can actually purchase that and other work here! Link via Neatorama.

Dumb Ass Criminals Of The Day

#1 - So one ex steals your car, then your other ex took the car back, uses another ex to attempt to return it and managed to make an ex of the car as well. Sounds simple, right? Check Out The Story Here

#2 - If women on a cruise ship ever accuse you of being gay just show them photos of you having sex with a woman... who is now dead... and you had a hand in it. Check Out The Story Here

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Today Is Talk Like A Pirate Day!

Here a few tips for the newbies:
How To Be Speakin' Pirate-Like
Startin' Rules
Double up on all your adjectives and you'll be bountifully bombastic with your phrasing. Pirates never speak of "a big ship", they call it a "great, grand ship!" They never say never, they say "No nay ne'er!"
Drop all your "g"'s when you speak and you'll get words like "rowin'", "sailin'" and "fightin'". Dropping all of your "v"'s will get you words like "ne'er", "e'er" and "o'er".
Instead of saying "I am", sailors say, "I be". Instead of saying "You are", sailors say, "You be". Instead of saying, "They are", sailors say, "They be". Ne'er speak in anythin' but the present tense!
thanks to wunderhorn @ e2

Hints an' Tips
If it be helpin', start yer sentence wi' a "Arr, me hearty," in a deep, throaty voice — ye'll find that the rest be comin' much easier.

Vocabulary
In which ye'll find words submitted by many pirates o'er the years, an' which comprise a loose piratical dictionary.

Ahoy: Hey!
Avast: Stop!
Aye: Yes
Black spot: to be 'placin' the black spot' be markin' someone for death.
Booty: treasure
Buccanneer: a pirate who be answerin' to no man or blasted government.
By the Powers!: an exclamation, uttered by Long John Silver in Treasure Island!
Cat o' nine tails: whip for floggin' mutineers
Corsair: a pirate who be makin' his berth in the Med-...Medi-...that sea 'tween Spain and Africa, aye!
Davy Jones' Locker: the bottom o' the sea, where the souls of dead men lie
Doubloons: pieces of gold...
Fiddlers Green: the private heaven where pirates be goin' when they die.
Furner: a ship which be yer own, not one ye steal an' plunder.
Gentlemen o' fortune: a slightly more positive term fer pirates!
Go on the account: to embark on a piratical cruise
Grog: A pirate's favorite drink.
Jack: a flag or a sailor
Jolly Roger: the skull and crossbones, the pirate flag!
Keelhaul: a truly vicious punishment where a scurvy dog be tied to a rope and dragged along the barnacle-encrusted bottom of a ship. They not be survivin' this.
Landlubber: "Land-lover," someone not used to life onboard a ship.
Lass: A woman.
Lily-livered: faint o' heart
Loaded to the Gunwales (pron. gunnels): drunk
Matey: A shipmate or a friend.
Me hearty: a friend or shipmate.
Me: My.
Pieces o' eight: pieces o' silver which can be cut into eights to be givin' small change.
Privateer: a pirate officially sanctioned by a national power
Scallywag: A bad person. A scoundrel.
Scurvy dog!: a fine insult!
Shiver me timbers!: an exclamation of surprise, to be shouted most loud.
Son of a Biscuit Eater: a derogatory term indicating a bastard son of a sailor
Sprogs: raw, untrained recruits
Squadron: a group of ten or less warships
Squiffy: a buffoon
Swaggy: a scurvy cur's ship what ye be intendin' to loot!
Swashbucklin': fightin' and carousin' on the high seas!
Sweet trade: the career of piracy
Thar: The opposite of "here."
Walk the plank: this one be bloody obvious.
Wench: a lady, although ye gents not be wantin' to use this around a lady who be stronger than ye.
Wi' a wannion: wi' a curse, or wi' a vengeance. Boldly, loudly!
Yo-ho-ho: Pirate laughter

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Acronyms 2.0

Acronyms 2.0
You know LOL, ROTFL, and BBL, but I think it’s time for a couple of new acronyms. Like...

SYMLSF
Sorry, Your Mail Landed in the Spam Folder
ICSRG
I Can Still Reach Google (often used as proof the internet works)
BOL
Blogging Out Loud
ITS?
Is This Spam? (typically answered with TIS: This Is Spam)
BWPWAP
Back When Pluto Was a Planet (for example “BWPWAP, I worked for Microsoft”)
IDOP
It Depends On the Price (commonly used as answer to “Can you program this web 2.0 site?”)
IDKYMB2
I Didn’t Know Your Mom Blogs Too
SASOE
Selling A Start-up On Ebay (usually uttered after 3 - 6 months)
IBS
I’ve Been Slashdotted (variants: IBF: I’ve Been Farked, IBB: I’ve Been BoingBoinged etc.)
IIW2?Is It Web 2.0? (as in “OK that’s nice, but IIW2?”)
Do you have more?

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And The Bride Whore... I Mean Wore...

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This Is So Wrong!

A sick Mexican husband was lying on his death bed.

He had only hours to live when suddenly he smelled tamales.

He dearly loved tamales more than anything else in the world,

especially his querida Chita's tamales.

With every last bit of the energy left in his mind and body, the

terminally ill husband pulled himself out of bed, across the floor,

down the hall, and into the kitchen.

Here, his wife was removing the fresh batch of tamales

from the stove top.

As he reached for one of the freshly made tamales, his
Corazon, Chita,

smacked him in the back of the head with a wooden spoon:

"Leave them alone, p*ndejo!"

They're for the funeral!"

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This Is Scary!

Vintage Video Game Ads

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