Where Do Babies Come From?

Hmmm

Time To Start Making Funeral Arrangements

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Interesting

Airbags

T-Shirt Hell

I love the site t-shirt hell, you can find a shirt for anyone including all the cute babies in your life.

Worried About Noise?

This woman is worried about the effect on her unborn child from jackhammer noise. What about the cigarette???

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Good News Ladies

Cubs Suck

Back To School Time

I forgot how much fun homework can be!

The Famous Jesus Saves Joke

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several lines of code streaming up the screen. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity.
Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he had come up with.
Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see it Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished. and stutters, "But how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"
God chuckles, "Jesus saves."

Your Name Only Better

So you're sitting around wondering what your name would look like spelled out in giant letters by the marching band or maybe by naked people. I haven't found the marching band but I did find this one. Spell Your Own here.

Crossword Puzzle Fun

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. "This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."
Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends with the letters u-n-t?"
Only one word leapt to mind...
"My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word." The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think the word you're looking for is 'aunt'."
"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"

We Can't Fight The News & The Enemy Both

Check out http://www.aish.com/movies/PhotoFraud.asp. This is unbelivable!

Lucky Louie's Answer To The Perpetual Why???

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i9OAuO5mDQw

Little Girl Dancing

This is from Luckie Louie, one of the funniest shows on TV. If you haven't seen it, check it out, it's on HBO.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZFMcCehlZzU

Still Interviewing

Yesterday brought in a plethora of new candidates. One that slipped by the resume pre-screening came in for an interview. Semi impressive at first but something just didn't seem right. So we timelined his resume out. Someone that is very smart in my office (not me) started confirming some dates, this is the exchange that occured:
Brilliant Inteviewer: "So it says here, you got your MBA in '98"
Not So Brilliant Candidate: "Really? I don't know why it would say that, I never got my MBA..."

Wow, that takes balls!

Fantasy Football

So I'm just learning about fantasy football. So far I'm not impressed... My husband says "It's a lot like a Dungeons and Dragons Club". Seems like far to much effort to me. I definently don't have the spare time at work to play...

SEATTLE (Reuters) - Office workers combing the league waiver wire for running backs or back-up quarterbacks are part of a growing number of fantasy football owners costing employers as much as $1.1 billion a week in lost productivity, according to a study released on Wednesday.
During the National Football League regular season, nearly 37 million people spend an average of 50 minutes a week at work managing their fantasy teams comprised of real-life players tallying points based on statistical performance, according to outplacement consultants Challenger, Gray & Christmas, Inc

Grilz

(08-16) 17:56 PDT Alexandria, Ind. (AP) --
This cool cat has traded in his catnip for some bling. Sebastian, a one-year-old Persian with long black hair, sports gold crowns on his two bottom canines, which grew sticking out from his lips in an underbite similar to a bulldog's.
His owner, dentist David Steele, said he gave Sebastian gold crowns to help strengthen the fanged feline's teeth. Steele said he was worried the unique canines would break off or become a problem.
"It's possible to work on animals the same way we do humans," he said. "I did it to strengthen (Sebastian's) teeth, but it had an excellent cosmetic result. The cat gets a lot of attention now. Everyone is tickled to death when they see him."
Sebastian's two gold teeth protruding from his furry face make him seem a little menacing, like a hip-hop star's guard-cat or a movie villain's pet. The feline didn't seem too happy with his new look at first.
"He's normally around me all the time," Steele said. "After I put the crowns on, he didn't 'speak' to me for two days."

Missouri Girls

Three men were sitting together, bragging about how they had been giving their new wives duties. The first man had married a woman from Indiana, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Utah. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Missouri girl. He said that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything. The second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper. Gotta love those Missouri girls!

Ghetto Funeral

Yes before you ask... this is real.
DEAD in his favorite chair (reclined), remote (in hand) AND the football game is ON! Oh yeah, don't miss the new silky pjs, slippers and 40 oz! And are those a pack of Newports in his ashtray??? Just when you thought you've seen everything....and yes, this is a regular commercial funeral home.

Baby Airplanes

A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess.
The stewardess, who was very busy at the time and slightly annoyed , smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "yes she did." "Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time.
Now have your Mom explain that to you."

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Picking A Wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed. &! nbsp;
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

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All American Reject

AUGUST 16--Meet James Hulsey. A parole violation landed the hirsute Alabaman in a Birmingham jail yesterday. Hulsey, 40, is notable for a forehead tattoo that makes him resemble a denied mortgage application.

The Dead Duck Joke

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck Cuddles has passed away.


The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"


"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.


"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."


The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat! The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.00."

The Worlds Smallest Revolver

At just 2.16-inches, the SwissMiniGun is the world’s smallest functional revolver, complete with ammunition — shoots tiny 0.35-inch long bullets. Product page here.
This miniature Swiss-made revolver and its ammunition are painstakingly crafted using watchmaking technology. Looks like the little shooter could do some damage, propelling that tiny slug at 426.5 f/sec. out of the muzzle.

Add This To The List of Bad Ideas

In a dramatic show of balls heretofore seen only by the Fark squirrel, this man walks into the police station and puts his cigarette out in a cop's eye. Taserlarity ensues. Twice.

STURGIS - A Sturgis police officer is recovering after a man tried to extinguish his cigarette in the officer's eye.
Shawn Dickerson, 23, walked into the lobby of the police station around 2 p.m. Tuesday and assaulted the sergeant.
Dickerson had to be tasered twice before officers could take him into custody. He's charged with assault.

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Marriage Proposal Gone Bad

When you propose to a woman in a very public place, make sure she will say yes before embarassing the hell out of yourself. Check it out here.

Kids Are So Cute!

Awww. Aren't they cute???
Good thing these little bastards don't belong to me :-)

Strip Club Etiquette Courtesy of The Weekly World News

From the high quality publication that keeps you up to date on Bat Boy, Big Foot and the end of the world. Finally some advice people can use!

STRIP CLUB ETIQUETTE:10 Essential Do's and Don'ts! By MICHAEL FORSYTH
GUYS, do you think of an outing to a topless bar as an opportunity to act like a drunken, obnoxious lout for a few fun hours? Think again. Behaving like jerk at a strip club can earn you a slap in the face from an angry dancer or even get you tossed out on your ear by burly bouncers! "The reason they're called gentlemen's clubs is that patrons are expected to act like gentlemen," says Steve Rankerman, manager of a high-end nudie bar in Tampa, Fla. Here, based on interviews with dancers, bartenders and DJs nationwide, are 10 essentials of strip club etiquette:
1. AVOID asking a dancer, "Do you date?" Strippers will be insulted because they translate that as, "Can we have sex?" Exotic dancers take great pride in their profession and are mortified when customers suggest they might be hookers.
2. DON'T sit up front taking in the up-close-and-personal view of the rump-shaking performers if you don't plan to tip.
3. DRESS to impress. Leave your ratty tank top at home and shave that five o'clock shadow. "Splash on cologne," advises a Las Vegas dancer. "I'll definitely give a more intimate lap dance to a customer who smells nice."
4. KEEP "witty" negative comments to yourself. Wisecracks like, "That skinny blonde looks like Ann Coulter on crack," can deflate a dancer's self-esteem, causing her to mess up her routine -- or even take a nasty spill. "We hear more than you think over the music," reveals Party, a 21-year-old stripper in Dayton, Ohio.
5. TIP the bartenders and waitresses -- not just the strippers.
6. NEVER spank a dancer's derriere to get her attention -- that's just as rude at a strip club as at an office. And if there's a no-touching policy, you could be unceremoniously ejected. Instead, ask the bartender to signal the lady.
7. DON'T talk dirty. Risque banter is O.K., but a dancer is likely to take offense if you describe in graphic detail what you'd like to do to her.
8. NEVER tip a stripper with coins. Stuffing four quarters in a dancer's garter belt is a major insult. Politely ask the bartender to convert your coins to $1 bills.
9. THINK twice before dragging along your mate. Unless she's super-secure, odds are she'll feel threatened by the bosom- baring beauties. Notes one DJ: "Nothing ruins the atmosphere in a club quicker than a jealous girlfriend sitting there scowling -- or worse, mocking the dancers. Some ugly cat-fights start that way."
10. NEVER hang around outside after closing hoping to meet a girl. Just like any other women, dancers get spooked when approached in a parking lot at 4 a.m. You're likely to find yourself in jail for stalking after staffers call the cops.

McDonalds Employee's McRules

McDonald's employee has McRules for you
Joanna works at a McDonald's in Walker, Louisiana and she has some McRules for you to follow if you want to eat at her McDonald's!Joanna posted "Things not to do when visiting a McDonald's" at McDonald's Talk, a Live Journal community where many McDonald's employees post their thoughts, stories, complaints and ideas about their employment at McDonald's. She has worked at McDonald's for 2 years. Here are a few of my favorites of the 43 McRules she has posted (I've made some minor corrections to spelling and grammar):
Don't confuse franchises! We don't Biggie size, we don't have onion rings or nachos, and no...you may not "Have it your way."
If you ordered a burger without pickles and they somehow ended up there anyway... just pick them off because that's all I'm going to do when you bring it back to me to "fix it."
Don't come into the lobby two minutes before we close. Chances are I've already cleaned, and it will only cause me to do unspeakable things to your (already stale) food.
Don't scream at me if I ask you to repeat your order... we're talking about cheeseburgers, not missiles... so calm down!
If you don't see tomatoes on the sandwich in the picture don't [f#@%ing] ask me to take them off. The Big Mac has been around for ages... it doesn't have tomatoes.
Does this look like Toys-R-Us? Who cares if your kid's got 10 of the same toy already. That's telling me you don't feed them at home enough!
When I hand you your food and say "Have a nice day," you better respond with a smile, a "Thanks, you too," or at least acknowledge my existence. Its called being polite people.Wow! I'm glad she didn't elaborate on the "unspeakable things" she'd do to my food... I don't want to know! But I like her insight that people obviously don't feed their kids at home enough if they already have 10 of the same Happy Meal toy!I don't know how important it is to follow Joanna's McRules, but it might be helpful to remember that other McDonald's employees might share her state of mind. It might help you avoid the "unspeakable!"

Some People Just Don't Learn

Nebraska man arrested for 226th time
Associated Press
LINCOLN, Neb. - Kevin Holder's rap sheet is 43 pages long, dating back to 1980, and he just got another entry - his 226th arrest. Police say they caught him Sunday morning after a brief chase and found burglar tools in his possession.
"He's very well-known to Lincoln police officers," Police Chief Tom Casady said.
Holder's convictions include criminal mischief, marijuana possession, violation of protection order, assault, resisting arrest, assault on an officer, possession of cocaine. Many were misdemeanors, but he also has been sentenced to at least three prison terms for felonies, including a four-year stretch starting in 1996.
"Your average Nebraskan thinks after a prisoner has committed a certain number of crimes (he) will be put away for a long period of time. That doesn't happen," Casady said.
Lancaster County Attorney Gary Lacey said Holder was charged Tuesday with felony possession of burglar tools and prosecutors will urge a judge to treat Holder as a habitual criminal. With another felony conviction, that could result in a sentence of up to 60 years. Holder remained behind bars Tuesday afternoon.
Holder's list of arrests doesn't come close to setting a record for Lincoln-Lancaster County. He's No. 40, police spokeswoman Katherine Finnell said Tuesday.

Creative Ways To Beg For Money

I personally am for anyone creative enough to come up with an original reason why they can't work and need money. I would probably toss this guy some coin just for originality!

Why Nobody Wants To Fish With Moses

More Thoughts On Diamonds...

Redneck Confession

I don't get to church much (okay, ever) but I did find a great way to clear my conscious of wrong. Thanks to the Jerry Springer Show, you can now confess on-line to the same man of the cloth that has brought you some of the best weddings of all times, including: a brother and sister, hostage weddings and misc. life unions. I will say that there are some funny confessions on here, and if I had to guess, most of them are real. In case you didn't figure it out, the shirtless guy is the reverand. Start confessing by clicking here

Bedside Manor

DOCTOR ALLEGEDLY MOCKED OBESE WOMAN(New Hampshire) - A doctor allegedly told a patient she is so fat she might only be attractive to black men. He also allegedly advised another to shoot herself to end her suffering after brain surgery. Rude and offensive? Yes, said a New Hampshire judge. But worthy of discipline from the New Hampshire Board of Medicine? No, the judge ruled in ordering the board to stop disciplinary proceedings against Dr. Terry Bennett. The judge made clear that while he doesn't condone the remarks, Bennett has the right to speak bluntly to patients. Bennett has denied telling the woman she was so obese that few men would find her attractive, but he said he has seen polls that support the notion that black men like fat women. Bennett said he plans to sue everyone involved for malicious prosecution. The state is considering an appeal.

Snakes On A Plane Promotion

As if it isn't bad enough that this retarded movie is coming out, as a promotional gimmick you can go to http://snakesonaplane.varitalk.com/ and create a customized greeting to people you know promoting the movie. There are some funny options to choose from, try it out.

This Is Funny

This is a real version of the famous "Total Eclipse of The Heart". This is one of the funiest videos I've seen in a while.I've heard rumors that this is actually a Ford Commercial for their Fusion product, but either way it's great! Click here to watch it!

Jim Henson Must Be Turning In His Grave

First there were Tommy Lee and Pam and Paris and Rick. Now, the public could soon witness an even more shocking celebrity sex romp -- Kermit and Miss Piggy. Seriously. It turns out the creators of "The Muppets" and "Sesame Street" are staging a rude and lewd puppet show- strictly for adults- called "Jim Henson's Puppet Improv." The live puppet show has already made quite an impression at the annual Edinburgh Fringe arts festival, which features this kind of adult, er, entertainment.
The late Jim Henson's son Brian, director of the "Muppet Christmas" and "Muppet Treasure Island" movies, tells Reuters "That really pleases me," and says he is reveling in the freedom of performing for adults only.
"It is lovely to do a show where you can go wherever your brain takes you," says Henson, winding down after a show where the audience asked the puppeteers to feature six hot dogs auditioning to be Ricky Martin's backup singers.
Henson, who has performed the improvisation show in Aspen and Hollywood, says he hopes to develop the edgy routine into a TV show. Two other projects he is working on are also just for adults.
"There is something really therapeutic for us about this adult improv," he says. So could Fozzie "Bare" and "Groper" be making their way onto the small screen in the near future? One can only hope.
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You Thought Our Country Had Problems

This is the front page of today's Sun newspaper. That's Prince Harry in the foreground, while the raver in the background is Prince William, who will one day be King.

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A Clean One For Fun

This reminded me of my daughter for some reason...
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing,the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

What Deadly Sin Is Yours

Take this quick quiz to find out. Greed is mine...interesting!

Click Here

What Will They Think Of Next?

Everytime I think they can't find anything else to do to make an bathroom interesting, I'm proven wrong. Yes this is real, it's the new men’s bathroom at the Sofitel hotel in Queenstown, New Zealand. I guess depending on which one you choose, it determines your self worth for the rest of the day.

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Motivation

I just got a brand new treadmill at home. Maybe this is the motivation I need to actually use it!

Useful Work Information

Here are some incredibly useful phrases you can use when in the workplace...

If you don’t know what it is, call it an ‘issue’…

If you don’t know how it works, call it a ‘process’…

If you don’t know whether its worth doing, call it an ‘option’…

If you don’t know how it could possibly be done call it a ‘challenge’ or an ‘exciting opportunity’…

If you want to confuse people, ask them about ‘customers’…

If you don’t know how to do something, ‘empower’ someone else to do it for you…

If you can’t take decisions, ‘create space’ for others to operate…

If you need a decision, call a ‘workshop’ to ‘network’ and ‘ground

the issue’, followed by an ‘awayday’ to ‘position the elephant in the room’ and achieve ‘buy-in’…

Never criticize or boast, call it ‘information sharing’…

Never call something a failure or mistake, its a ‘positive learning experience’…

Never argue, have an ‘adult conversation’…

Here are some helpful ways to get along at the workplace...

If you can’t get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights…

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt…

Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted…

It doesn’t matter what you do, it only matters what you say you’ve done and what you’re going to do…

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before…

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get…

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and wear a lab coat…

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day…

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves…

If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it…

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office…

Keep your boss’s boss off your boss’s back…

Everything can be filed under “pending.”…

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour…

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy…

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he/she is supposed to be doing…

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail…

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it…

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk…

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn’t…

If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done…

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying…

When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried…

Following the rules will not get the job done…

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules…

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, “How would the Lone Ranger handle this?”…

No matter how much you do, you never do enough…

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong…

What's A Rank Worth?

Tourist visiting New York City walked into a pet shop and was looking
at the animals on display. While he was there, a police officer walked
in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a Patrol monkey, please." The
shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took
out a monkey. He fit it with a collar and leash, handed it to the
officer saying, "That'll be $1,000." The officer paid and walked out
with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a
very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars.
Why did it cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can
fire expert with all small arms, write 20 tickets a month, and is
certified in Small Unit Tactics--- well worth the money! The tourist
looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive!
$10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that one's a POST certified Sergeants
Patrol monkey; it can instruct other monkeys in Basic Firearms Skills,
Counter Terrorism, Training, Physical Training, Small Unit Tactics and
investigative techniques, and even type. All the really useful stuff,"
said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in
a large cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $70,000. He
gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put
together! What on earth does it do?" The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I
haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a lieutenant

Kids Say The Cutest Things

Fun At Hockey Games

Pissing & Moaning

A South Carolina farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates th at some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

For The Ladies...

My boyfriend, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

When I'm in a good mood it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big bad red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

--

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."

He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

--

A couple are lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman says, "I'll miss you."

--

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumour.

--



He said 'Shall we try swapping positions tonight?'.

She said 'That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and snore'.

--

He said 'What have you been doing with all the grocery money that I gave you?'.

She said 'Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard'.

--

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A: 45 minutes.

--

Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.

--

Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?

A: They can't stand criticism.

--

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?

A: Because those men already have boyfriends.

--

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Link

If Men Ruled The World

1. Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
2. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
3. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
4. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
5. Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
6. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
7. "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
8. At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
9. It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
10. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
11. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
12. Garbage would take itself out.
13. Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
14. Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
15. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
17. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.
18. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
19. "COPS" would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
20. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".
21. The candle shops in the mall would sell candles that smell like whiskey and beer.
22. Women would have to obtain a license before wearing spandex or short shorts (sorta like conceal carry laws).
23. Women suffering from PMS would be required to wear a burka.
24. Gun racks would be standard on all American cars.
25. There would be a device that automatically raised and lowered toilet seats.
26. 2006 Cloning Act:"Only Jessica Alba may be cloned."

Link

In A Language Other Than Your Own...Tattoos Are A Bad Idea

Real Police Quotes

The following 15 police comments were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.

#15. "Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

#14. "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." (My personal favorite.)

#13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

#11. "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

#10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

#9. "Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not: Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey DOO."

#6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5. "No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

#4. "Just how big were those two beers?”

#3. "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.”


http://bitsandpieces1.blogspot.com/

Why Is Hiring People So Hard???

So you throw a couple ads up on Monster.com and CareerBuilder.com and a flood of resumes start pouring in. The problem... is they all contain the same bullshit! Let me cover a snippet of what we have learned:

1. If you don't finish your college degree, but pursue a dream (and fail) it negates the requirement to have a degree.

2. Some people are WAY too smart to work here and I quote "I am the shining, tempting lure that has brought all new business to my current employer. They are aware of my job search and fully support it". Now I am no HR Specialist but this says to me that you must be one huge pain in the ass to work with or they would fight (and pay) to keep their companies biggest resource.

3. A college degree does not mean you are capable of performing tasks that a five year old could do. I should know... I have a five year old.

4. Being a stay-at-home mom gives you qualifications in the following areas: event planning, scheduling, gourmet cooking, difficult client relations, chauffeur, receptionist, editor, teacher, and nurse.

5. After reviewing and meeting dozens of people with the above qualifications, I AM STILL LOOKING!