Christmas Cheer Part 2

Christmas Cheer Part 1

Uncle Jemima's Malt Liquor

In The Box...

Contains some NSFW language...

Homelessville

Mafia Christmas

A mafioso's son is sitting at his desk, writing a Christmas list to Jesus. First he writes, "Dear Baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.

He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear Baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.

Then he gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear Baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again..."

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The Holidays Wouldn't Be The Same Without Schwetty Balls

Sometimes

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Pastor Dave Helps Jack...

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X-Mas Cards For The Disturbed

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and ...
6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me!
7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy ... oooh look at the Froggy ... can I have a chocolate ... why is France so far away?
10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, JingleBells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ...

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Top Christmas Toys of 2006 - Part 3

Thanks Randy H.!

Top Christmas Toys of 2006 - Part 2

Thanks Randy H.!

Top Christmas Toys of 2006 - Part 1

Thanks Randy H.!

Santa Picture Gone Wrong

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Scary!

Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.

Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in their jobs. After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripesheet,"which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be saidthat ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minutedescent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last .

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

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Last Email...

Dear Friends,
I have prepared this short note to you all to explain. This will come as a shock to some of you, but I have made the monumental decision to take off for a complete year effective Monday next. There are a number of reasons, but the major contributor to my decision has been my involvement with and (don't laugh) guerrilla group in Bolivia, who are fighting for freedom and justice against unbelievable odds.I have been in contact with this group by email, and I am told that I can bring a couple of my weapons with me to use in close combat and now I will finally join them .I know most of you will think I am totally crazy! Really, I have not made this decision lightly. Nothing you can say or do will stop me from doing what I truly believe in. I realize the timing is terrible and my family will suffer -- but, I hope to see you again in happier days .Thanks for understanding! Good -Bye for now!










Thanks DK!

Trophy Squirrel Captured!

Thanks Rob!

Time Out

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Elf Pick-Up Lines

* "Has anyone ever told you you have beautiful knees?"
* "We don't see many happenin' ladies north of the Arctic Circle."
* "That's quite a set of ornaments you've got there."
* "Just because a guy wears tights doesn't mean he's gay."
* "One night with me, baby, and you'll be sneezin' tinsel."
* "Why, yes, I am George Stephanopoulos."
* "I can't tell you how hard it is to be the only elf who's Jewish."
* "Not everything about me is tiny."
* "That's not Elmo, but don't stop tickling."
* "I'm down here!"
* "Just because I have bells on my shoes doesn't mean I'm a sissy."
* "I was once a lawn ornament for Brad Pitt."
* "No, no, I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks at Keebler."
* "You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig."
* "I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners."
* "I taught Santa everything he knows."
* "I'm a magical being. Take off your bra."
* "I'm free on Christmas Eve."
* "Even Santa doesn't make candy as sweet as you."
* "I've got the keys to the sleigh tonight."
* "You know what they say about guys with big ears."
* "I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man."
* "I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys."
* "I can get you off the naughty list."

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