Saturday, September 02, 2006

Northwest Airlines Provides Laid Off Employees With 101 Tips To Save Money


AUGUST 21--In a remarkable bit of corporate insensitivity, Northwest Airlines brass gave workers it is laying off a booklet offering "101 Ways To Save Money," including "don't be shy about pulling something you like out of the trash" and "ask your doctor for samples of prescriptions." The booklet was included in a layoff packet recently given to dozens of pink-slipped workers in North Dakota, Montana, and Texas. After employee complaints, Northwest apologized and yanked the list from undistributed packets (the 101 tips were drawn up by a Northwest vendor charged with preparing materials for workers to help them deal with pending unemployment). A copy of the bankrupt airline's offensive booklet can be found below. Along with the dumpster diving suggestion, Northwest recommended shorter showers, thrift store shopping, and getting "hand-me-down clothes and toys for your kids from friends and relatives." Not to mention "grow your own vegetables and herbs" and "use old newspapers for cat litter." (4 pages)

See Them All Here

Wedding Dress Contest





Here is the winner of the 2nd annual design a wedding dress out of toilet paper contest. To see all of the click here.

Golfer and Leprechaun


A Golfer hit a terrible slice into the deep woods. Looking for his ball, he was amazed to find a Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.
"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.
"Oh, I see. Well, ye caught me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And the golfer walks away. "What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. I'll give him the three things I would want....a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
A year goes by golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now."
"Well, I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"
"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!"
"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?" The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."
"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."
"What?" responds the Leprechaun in disappointment, "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"
"Well," says the golfer, "That's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

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Greeting Cards For Your Ummm Friends?



Meet Ballmark, no not Hallmark, Ballmark. This custom line of greeting cards has some very unique qualities. Check out the options for yourself at http://www.ballmarkcards.com/Products.htm.

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Friday, September 01, 2006

Doesn't She Look Nice?



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Pick Pocketing


Nice trick using the cute little ones as a distraction!

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Why Animals Attack

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Thursday, August 31, 2006

Who Would Have Guessed?

A fundamentalist breakaway Mormon sect in Colorado City, AZ, is being overtaken by a rare birth-defect brought on by inbreeding. The cult's leader arranges all marriages between community members, who are descended from two founding families. The cult's members view the severe disabilities brought on by the inbreeding as a test from God, and those who question this are excommunicated and thrown out of the community.
By the late 1990s, Tarby and his team had discovered fumarase deficiency was occurring in the greatest concentration in the world among the fundamentalist Mormon polygamists of northern Arizona and southern Utah.
Of even greater concern was the fact that the recessive gene that triggers the disease was rapidly spreading to thousands of individuals living in the community because of decades of inbreeding...
Doctors and family members interviewed by New Times say up to 20 children from families in the polygamist community are currently afflicted with the condition that requires full-time attention from caregivers. Victims suffer a range of symptoms, including severe epileptic seizures, inability to walk or even sit upright, severe speech impediments, failure to grow at a normal rate, and tragic physical deformities.

Another Reason Not To Get A Tattoo


As if you didn't already know what can go wrong...

PROUD Martin Nolan spent seven hours having a prayer tattooed on his back — then showed it off to a pal who spotted TWO spelling mistakes.
Martin, 43 — who paid £200 for the tribute to his mum Breda — was furious to be told strength had been etched as “strenght” and wisdom as “nisdom”.

Caterer Martin, who cannot afford laser treatment to have the blunders corrected, moaned yesterday: “My heart sank. I’m stuck with this for life.” Tattoo parlour Hippy Heaven — near Martin’s home in Ealing, West London — blamed HIM for approving the outlines of the letters before they were filled in.
Manager Andrew Daynes, 38, said: “We always ask this because some of the international artists might not be able to spell very well. It is the same with dyslexic artists.”

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Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Nothing More To Say But WOW


Here are the highlights of the story...

A 500-pound Chattanooga woman's caretakers are behind bars. Channel Three first told you about 52 year old Peggie Johnson last month when Channel Three help highlight her need to install a larger door in her home. Now, Peggie's story takes a sad turn. Johnson's husband and her daughter are in jail.

Everyone was excited for Peggie when she got that new door, now she faces yet another challenge. Because Peggie is so heavy, she needs someone to take care of her 24 hours a day.
Police say Peggie's husband and daughter were neglecting her by not feeding her or keeping her clean. When those allegations came to light, police discovered an even more disgusting twist.
"No, I don't want to be neglected, I don't want to be sitting in my own urine, my own waste," Johnson said. At more than five-hundred pounds, Peggie Johnson relies on family and friends to care for her. "Charles and Mary both was doing it, but then they got arrested last night and I got nobody now, I'm just stuck here," she said.

Peggie says taking care of her can be a lot of work and her husband Charles, and daughter Mary may have just had enough. "I wish Charles wasn't in there, I wish Charles could come back and do like he's supposed to and help me get out of this bed like he promised and be here for me and help me," she said.
Charles Johnson and Mary Alice Nichols are charged with willful abuse, neglect and exploitation of an adult. "I depended on him a whole lot and no I don't want him in jail and I depended on him and I hate to know what happen, but the officer said he just wasn't going to keep letting it go on and on and on," Johnson said.

On top of the neglect, the two are charged with incest for apparently having sex, Peggie says that's the most painful part. "It's just sad and it hurts so bad for what's happened and what's been going on, and I really don't know the words to say," she said. Now, the news of the arrests, put a damper on Peggie's hopes for a new life. "I was so happy when my new door went in and Charles even helped work on the door and everything, and so I could have a new life and I could go out and do things and we can go places and that, and now this," she said.
Johnson and Nichols will both be in a Hamilton County court on Friday facing their two charges.

A Marriage Doomed For Failure

SOUTHBRIDGE, Mass., Aug. 29 (UPI) -- A Massachusetts couple's marriage got off to a rocky start after the groom was arrested at the wedding reception.
Southbridge, Mass., police said 24-year-old Deric Gendron of West Brookfied, Mass., was arrested Sunday night in the parking lot of the Knights of Columbus hall where the wedding reception was taking place. Witnesses said Gendon had gotten into a fight after accusing one of the guests of groping the bride. Police said he made matters worse by allegedly kicking one of the arresting officers, the Boston Herald reported.
Gendron was released on bond but arrested later that night for calling the bride to get a divorce, which violated a restraining order she took out on him after the first arrest, the newspaper said.
Gendron was charged with assault and battery on a police officer, assault and battery with a dangerous weapon, resisting arrest and disturbing the peace.

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Business Terms Everyone Should Know

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line answer to the couch potato.
SITCOM: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trial was a prime example. Bill Clinton's Grand Jury testimony is another.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
VULCAN NERVE PINCH: The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for some computer commands.
ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.
OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks

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Iraqi Photos


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Work

Wisdom of The Day Courtesy of Oprah


Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
Oprah Winfrey

More Customized Photo Fun


Tuesday, August 29, 2006

You Know You Watch Too Much Wrestling


- On your resume you write "I'm the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be"
- Instead of hugging relatives you give them bear hugs & mandible claws
- You begin to shake someone's hand in public, but then hesistate to look for the crowd's response
- You tell your significant other, "Not tonight, I'm watching RAW"
- You get in fights with people who say wrestling is fake.
- You clothesline people in the supermarket for no real reason.
- You elbow smash your dog & turn him/her over for the three count- Instead of reading a bedtime story to your kids, you put them in a sleeper.
- Instead of punishing your kids by grounding them, you threaten them with stunners, choke slams & tombstones
- When your king-size bed has ropes and turnbuckles surrounding it.
- You get fired from work then show up the next day wearing a mask.
- Your boss fires you and you come back to work and challenge him to a no-holds barred steel-cage wrestling match.

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ADA At It's Finest

A vertically challenged ex-con who did time for meth and marijuana is suing the Georgia prison he did time in under the Americans with Disabilities Act. Aspiring rapper Byron Rhodan is an ex-con who happens to be about four feet tall. Rhodan is suing the state prison system because he fell off the sink in his cell while shaving.According to the plaintiff, also known as Lil' Dirty, a prison guard ordered him to cut off his stubble, but wouldn't give him anything to stand on so he could see the mirror.

Back To School

The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays, exams, and classroom discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders. They illustrate Mark Twain's contention that the most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.
One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.
Talc is found on rocks and on babies.
The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.
When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms, But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.
Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.
South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.
Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.
Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.
A vibration is a motion that can't make up its mind which way it wants to go.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.
There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.
Lime is a green-tasting rock.
Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.
Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.
We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.
In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.
Clouds are high flying fogs.
I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.
Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.
Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water. We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.
Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.
Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.
Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man.
A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.
A monsoon is a French gentleman.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.
The wind is like the air, only pushier.

THA... AKA Rednecks


If you can't find anything nicer to wear for your engagement photo for god's sake don't put the picture in the newspaper. Someone I once worked with taught me all about THA or (typical hoosier activity).

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