Aly's World: 2008-03-30

You Suck At Photoshop #10: Vanishing Point

NO DONNIE... COME BACK!!!

Some Quick Funnies

Thanks Wayne W.!

George Carlin's New Rules Updated For 2008

New Rule #1: Stop giving me that pop-up ad forclassmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days -- mowing my lawn.

New Rule #2: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?? Trout?

New Rule #3: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule #4: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket; water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is c alled a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule #5: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule #6: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet,' ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule #7: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule #8: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass and it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule #9: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!? They're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'

New Rule #10: I don't need bigger, mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule #11: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule #12: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months (e.g. 27 Months.) 'He's two,' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule #13: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'

Thanks Carol B.!

Be Careful Where You Stand

What Is A Billion?

What is a billion?
This is too true to be funny.
The next time you hear a politician use the word ‘billion’ in a casual manner, think about whether you want the ‘politicians’ spending YOUR tax money.
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of its releases.
A. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
B. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
C. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
D. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.
E. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.

While this thought is still fresh in our brain, let’s take a look at New Orleans It’s amazing what you can learn with some simple division:
Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D), is presently asking the Congress for $250 BILLION to rebuild New Orleans. Interesting number, what does it mean?

A. Well, if you are one of 484,674 residents of New Orleans (every man, woman and child), you each get $516,528.
B. Or if you have one of the 188,251 homes in New Orleans, your home gets $1,329,787.
C. Or if you are a family of four , your family gets $2,066,012.
Washington, D.C .. HELLO!!! … Are all your calculators broken??
> > Accounts Receivable Tax
> > Building Permit Tax
> > CDL License Tax
> > Cigarette Tax
> > Corporate Income Tax
> > Dog License T ax
> > Federal Income Tax
> > Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
> > Fishing License Tax
> > Food License Tax
> > Fuel Perm it Tax
> > Gasoline Tax
> > Hunting License Tax
> > Inheritance Tax
> > Inventory Tax
> > IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
> > IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
> > Liquor Tax
> > Luxury Tax
> > Marriage License Tax
> > Medicare Tax
> > Property Tax
> > Real Estate Tax
> > Service charge taxes
> > Social Security Tax
> > Road Usage Tax (Truckers)
> > Sales Taxes
> > Recreational Vehicle Tax
> > School Tax
> > State Income Tax
> > State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
> > Telephone Federal Excise Tax
> > Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
> > Telephone Federal, State and Local Su rcharge Tax
> > Telephone Minimum Usage Su rcharge Tax
> > Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
> > Telephone State and Local Tax
> > Telephone Usage Charge Tax
> > Utility Tax
> > Vehicle License Registration Tax
> > Vehicle Sales Tax
> > Watercraft Registration Tax
> > Well Permit Tax
> > Workers Compensation Tax

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY? Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.
We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
What happened? Can you spell ‘politicians!’