Real Newspaper Ads

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.

FREE PUPPIES:1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES...Mother, AKC German Shepherd.Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat .. been out a while.Better be a reward.

For Sale :COWS: NEVER BRED.Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.Call Stephanie.

AND THE BEST ONE:FOR SALE BY OWNER:Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.Excellent condition.$1,000 or best offer.No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.

Thanks Angie!

About Men & Women

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish - 49
Adventurous - Slept with everyone
Athletic - No t!ts
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person
Fun - Annoying
New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Professional - B!tch
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Large frame - Hugely FatWants
Soul mate - Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

And finally.....A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle. For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside. NOW SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND A WOMAN WITH A SENSE OF HUMOUR!!!

The Lonely Brain Cell

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet."Hello?" she cried, but no answer."Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice,"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away..."We're down here.........

Red-Headed Baby

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.”
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have intimacy? The man seemed a bit ashamed.
"I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."
"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust."

Stressed

Biology Exam

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, "Name seven advantages of Mothers Milk", worth 70 points or none at all. One student, who had also partied the night before, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote...

1.) It is perfect formula for the child.
2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3.) It is always the right temperature.
4.) It is inexpensive.
5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6.) It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote...

7.) It comes in such cute containers.

He got an A