Friday, September 29, 2006

Completely Uncalled For

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Why Not To Drink More Than Your Friends

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WTF????

White & Nerdy

A Little Ridin' Dirty Spoof

The Shoe Box


A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in thebox. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll." The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. "Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?" "Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."

A Prayer...
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods; Because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. Amen!

Thanks Randy!

For Kristy... A New Disorder


Proteus Syndrome: Mandy Sellars has a size 12 top half but her legs make up most of her 16-stone weight
A woman suffering from a rare condition that dramatically increases the size of her legs and feet has told of how she is teased by strangers.
Mandy Sellars, who weighs 16-stone, is one of only around 120 people in the world with Proteus Syndrome, which has left her with a size 12 top half, but her legs are 35 inches in circumference.
Mandy told ITV's This Morning show: "Adults can be very hurtful. In a restaurant one blurted out 'look at the size of those feet'.
"I don't mind children staring, but adults should know better."
Proteus Syndrome leaves its victims with atypical growth of the bones, skin and head.
It can also lead to and a variety of other symptoms like increasing the size of an organ, or parts of the body.

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The Flasher

Three old Ladies named Gertrude, Maude, and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approachedfrom across the park.The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.Gertrude immediately had a stroke.Then Maude, also, had a stroke.Tilly, being the oldest, and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

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What Every Kid Needs For Christmas


A new doll is set to take the US by storm — farting, beer-swilling Jer Wayne Jnr. The 12inch, £20 toy is boyfriend to the world’s first trailer trash doll, pregnant Turleen launched last year. Jer Wayne has a mullet, missing teeth and an earring. Ever the classy gentleman, Jer Wayne has a button on his chest which - if pressed - helps him break wind or offer wise words such as "Fifteen of dem beers and yer still ugly". He is clearly a natural match for Turleen, though, as her guttural catchphrases include "Pour me a double, I'm drinkin' fer two" and "If the trailer's a-rockin", don't come aknockin".

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Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Snake Handler Product Of The Day

If you need your own pair of PJ's click here.
Thanks Maria!

Mans Law

Man Laws
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie or Eva Longoria starts unbuttoning her
blouse.
(c) After wrecking the boss' car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally
killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend
out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is
forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.
At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may
ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought
her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose
of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model
and only when it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed
to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problems you didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink
as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:
(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal
footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know whatI want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

Thanks Rob!

No Longer Saved By The Bell


What Ever happened to Screech from Saved By The Bell? Wonder no more, apparantly he has shown up in a porn, I won't give all the details but the quote "dirty sanchez" was involved. To check out the story click here.

Baby Toupee


Yes This is For Real... For The Baby That Has Everthing.... Click Here

And The Parent Of The Year Award Goes To...

SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) - A Montana mother who allowed her 18-month-old baby daughter to inhale from a marijuana water pipe on several occasions was properly convicted, but should not have to spend five years in jail, a U.S. appeals court ruled on Friday.
Jessica Durham was photographed allowing her toddler Michala to suck from a marijuana water pipe, also known as a bong, in 2004 by a friend upset about the activity.
"Ms. Durham allegedly remarked that smoking improved Michala's appetite and left Michala lethargic and mellow - a manner she found consistent with her own experience smoking marijuana," Judge Louis Pollak of the U.S. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals wrote in summarizing the case.
In 2005, a lower court sentenced Durham to five years in prison for unlawful marijuana distribution. She appealed both the conviction and the sentence.
In its ruling on Friday, a three-judge panel of the 9th Circuit upheld the conviction but said the sentence exceeded the applicable federal law which calls for punishment of no more than two years in prison.

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The Listerine Made Me Do It...


Man arrested, charged with aggravated assault

Tuesday, Sep 26, 2006 - 04:02 PM
TriCities.com Staff Reports

A Tri-Cities resident has been arrested following an unusual series of events that led to one man being charged with aggravated assault...
Johnson City Police responded to an aggravated assault call this weekend on Sept. 24 at 810 Lamont Street in Johnson City.
Police arrested 55-year-old Louis C. Ferguson at his home after he allegedly attacked a homeless man who had been staying with him.
According to the police report, Ferguson reportedly had been "drinking Listerine mouthwash all day and [was] very intoxicated."
Ferguson allegedly attacked the homeless man with a kitchen knife. Police say this is the third call they've had regarding Ferguson threatening to stab people.
The man then attempted to flee the apartment, telling police he grabbed a brick and threw it at Ferguson on his way out.
Ferguson then returned to his apartment, where police found him in his bed.
While police were arresting him, Ferguson tried to drink more Listerine, according to the report.
Ferguson was booked into the Washington County Detention Center, then transported to the VA hospital for treatment before returning to jail, according to the report.

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The World's Worst Obituary

He spent life picking himself up
By Claire Martin Denver Post Staff WriterDenverPost.com
Thomas L. Cook, who died at 54 when he was fatally hit by a car Sept. 11, spent much of his life recovering from the misadventures that plagued him even in the womb.
"He was kinda accident-prone, I swear to God, even before he was born," said his sister, Mady Eitani.
"He was nearly miscarried. He had serious accidents as a child. Crazy things. Broke his collarbone. He was hit in the head one time by a teeter-totter and had to have blood drained out of his skull. Wrong place, wrong time. Story of his life."
After the first few visits to the emergency room, Cook's family joked that he must have nine lives, an opinion shared by a neighbor, Dr. Arnold Silverman, a pediatric physician who became Cook's de facto on-call doctor.
"Nine lives, and he certainly used them up," Silverman said.
"Every time the phone rang and it was the Cooks, I just said that I'd be right over."
When Cook returned home from a high school skiing trip, complaining about abdominal pain, Silverman looked at his belly and sent Cook straight to Children's Hospital.
Cook underwent an emergency splenectomy to remove his hemorrhaging spleen. The organ, injured a few days earlier in a pickup football game, began bleeding while Cook and his friends were skiing.
The next major injury occurred when Cook, still a teenager, fell from the go-kart he was driving. Again, the Cooks called Silverman. Again, Silverman told them to call an ambulance almost as soon as he saw Tom Cook.
The ambulance took Cook to University Hospital, where surgeons drained blood from his skull, relieving pressure on his brain and brain stem. Cook went home but was back a few hours later for a second operation after the bleeding resumed.
The third major accident - like Eitani, Silverman distinguishes between those and "a host of other injuries Tom survived" - involved an out-of- town car accident. It left Cook, then a promising Colorado State University student, with severe brain damage and in a semi-vegetative coma for more than five months.
"No one had any hope at all for his survival as someone with a viable life," Silverman said.
"Then one day, he woke up. That began his incredible comeback."
The injuries reduced Cook's physical abilities to those of an infant, requiring more than a year of treatment at Craig Hospital, which specializes in spinal cord and traumatic brain injury rehabilitation.
"He had to learn to walk and talk and potty-train and feed himself again," Eitani said.
When at last Cook recuperated, he found a job as an assistant computer programmer at Denver's Medicare office. He made fast friends among his colleagues, who learned to enjoy Cook's singular braying laughter.
Though he walked with the gingerly trepidation of someone negotiating an ice-glazed sidewalk, Cook's confidence and buoyant nature returned. Then, driving near the intersection where the first accident occurred, Cook heard the familiar, sickening crunch of metal on metal as another vehicle slammed into his car.
"That was when he broke his back for the first time," his sister recalled.
"He broke it two other times after that and broke his ribs in falls and various accidents. It left him really crippled as a young man."
Again, he learned how to walk, talk, dress, feed himself and perform other chores that once were second nature. Though the injuries and other disabilities left him increasingly hunchbacked - "kinda comma- shaped," Silverman said - Cook insisted on using a cane instead of a walker until a few months ago. He refused to use a wheelchair, though it took him half an hour to shuffle from his apartment to the corner of his block.
To keep his bones strong, Cook exercised daily with a walk that began precisely at 1:45 p.m. Among the few indulgences he allowed himself was the brownie he bought only at a certain bakery.
"They knew him very well at Child's Pastry," Eitani said.
"He'd choose a specific brownie by the taste and size. Otherwise, all he ate was Stouffer's dinners, and he had those categorized in his freezer - one for Mondays, one for Tuesdays. Everything was by the clock. That's why it's so hard, with him running late that day. That's what put him on the corner at 3:45 that Monday. Otherwise, he'd have been home."
Mourners overflowed the church that held Cook's memorial service last week.
"They had to bring in extra chairs," Silverman said.
"He was thin as a wisp of hair, but he was a self-sufficient person. To have survived these accidents and come back a functioning person was such an accomplishment. To have the strength to go on is such a tribute to his toughness."
Besides his sister, survivors include mother Barbara Fazio of Santa Barbara, Calif.; father Durwood Cook of Salt Lake City; and grandmother Maxine Cook of Salt Lake City. One brother preceded him in death.
The family suggests memorial donations to Craig Hospital, 3425 Clarkson St., Englewood CO 80113.

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Don't You Love Synchronized Swimming?

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Definitions To Know

SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stopsworking to stay home with the kids. The acronym stands for: SingleIncome, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

SWIPED OUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because themagnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you findyourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials, Gary Condit,Monica Lewinsky, etc.

YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS:The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere.

CHAINSAW CONSULTANT: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count,leaving the brass with clean hands.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank andfile. Decisions that fall from the admini- sphere are often profoundlyinappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed tosolve.

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message"404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not belocated. Used as in: "Don't bother asking him ... he's 404, man."

HEADACHED: Temp widower. Spouse is not in the mood. Used as in: "I got lots oftime to work on that project tonight, I got headached."

CLM: Career Limiting Mistake. Self explanatory.

OHNO-SECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've justmade a CLM.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to getit to work again.

UMFRIEND: A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimaterelationship, as in "This is Sherry, my ... um ...friend."

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the Couch Potato.

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The Teddy Bear Collection


Beth and her friends are out clubbing one Friday night when she meets a handsome guy by the bar. They talk, connect, and end up leaving together. When they get back to his place, he shows her around his apartment.

One odd thing she notices is that an entire wall of his bedroom is devoted to a collection of stuffed toys arranged on shelves. The bottom shelf contains lots of small stuffed animals. The next shelf up contains slightly larger ones, and so on, all the way up to the top shelf, which contains gigantic teddy bears.

Beth is a little surprised that a man would have such a sizable collection of stuffed animals but she decides not to be judgemental. In reality, she is actually impressed that he is willing to show his sensitive side to someone he just met.

One thing leads to another and before long they are making love.

The next morning, after a night of intense passion, she wakes up next to him. As she notices him waking up also, she rolls over and asks, smiling, "was it good for you, too?" The man shrugs and tells her she can have any prize she likes from the bottom shelf.

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Truth in Job Searching

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Good Morning!

Monday, September 25, 2006

The Genie

A Husband took his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful!Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done:Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"Uh ... yes sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.""Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.""No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And, I'll guarantee you a long & healthy life!""And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked."I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said."Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!""And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?""Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly."No Kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old.....and both of you still believe in genies?"

Thanks Rob!

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Criminal Of The Day

Women Arrested After Bizarre Sex Sting
A police sting took an odd turn when an officer pretending to be a john met a suspected prostitute pretending to be an officer. A male undercover officer driving in a neighbourhood known for prostitution was flagged down by a woman. The woman got in his car and they went to a nearby parking lot to negotiate a price for sex. She asked the officer if he was a cop and he said no. "That's OK, because I am," the woman said as she pulled out handcuffs and a two-way radio. She barked into the radio: "Move in!" The officer, concerned the woman was armed and looking to rob him, forced her from the car. Moments later, officers who had been monitoring the situation arrived and grabbed her.Police charged Lisa Greene, 31, with first-degree criminal impersonation, prostitution and fifth-degree conspiracy.

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Phrases You Need To Know When Visiting The South

1. "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

2. "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."

3. "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."

4. "Have a cup of coffee, it's already been 'saucered and blowed.'"

5. "She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm."

6. "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."

7. "My cow died last night so I don't need your bull."

8. "Don't pee down my back and tell me it's raining."

9. "He's as country as corn flakes."

10. "This is gooder'n grits."

11. "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."

12. "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."

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Little Johnny Returns

A teacher asked her class to make a sentence using the word "fascinate". Molly put up her hand up and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating". Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."The teacher sat down and cried.

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