Completely Uncalled For
Three old Ladies named Gertrude, Maude, and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approachedfrom across the park.The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.Gertrude immediately had a stroke.Then Maude, also, had a stroke.Tilly, being the oldest, and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.
Man Laws
SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) - A Montana mother who allowed her 18-month-old baby daughter to inhale from a marijuana water pipe on several occasions was properly convicted, but should not have to spend five years in jail, a U.S. appeals court ruled on Friday.
He spent life picking himself up
SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stopsworking to stay home with the kids. The acronym stands for: SingleIncome, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
A Husband took his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful!Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done:Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"Uh ... yes sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.""Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.""No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And, I'll guarantee you a long & healthy life!""And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked."I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said."Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!""And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?""Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly."No Kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old.....and both of you still believe in genies?"
Women Arrested After Bizarre Sex Sting
1. "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
2. "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
3. "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
4. "Have a cup of coffee, it's already been 'saucered and blowed.'"
5. "She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm."
6. "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
7. "My cow died last night so I don't need your bull."
8. "Don't pee down my back and tell me it's raining."
9. "He's as country as corn flakes."
10. "This is gooder'n grits."
11. "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."
12. "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
A teacher asked her class to make a sentence using the word "fascinate". Molly put up her hand up and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating". Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."