A Dog Named Mace

A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside.
The grass eventually became overgrown. One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass.
He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day.
That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight.
Realizing what had happened he looked toward the heavens and proclaimed,
"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!"

Bury Your Dead Marriage

Some people think of everything...

A New York divorcee has come up with a solution for failed marriages - a miniature coffin to lay those unwanted wedding rings to rest."Give a dead marriage its proper, final resting place,'' the company offering the miniature caskets says on its website."The Wedding Ring Coffin is the perfect gift for yourself or a loved one for bringing closure after a divorce. It's time to bury the past and move on to a new tomorrow,'' it says. The 5cm by 15cm solid wood coffin has a black velvet ring insert, a choice of six brass plaques inscribed with messages including "I do NOT!'' and "Six feet isn't deep enough,'' and costs $US30."It's a way to acknowledge the death of a marriage and to physically and symbolically close the lid on that chapter of your life,'' said Jill Testa, who came up with the idea."Most people just stick their rings in the bottom of their jewellery box, in a corner of a sock or underwear drawer,'' said Ms Testa, who surprisingly describes her own divorce after 20 years of marriage as amicable. Her company, Wedding Ring Coffin, even offers cards inviting people to join in your marriage wake, featuring the slogan: "You're invited to my divorce party. Join me as I close the lid on my marriage.''

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Tiny Dancer

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Thanks Randy H.!

Pancakes

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."

Kids Thoughts On The Sea

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don't haveSea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like EmilyRichardson . She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (BillyAge 8)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.(Millie age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the Ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistleTo make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off Eating beans. (William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails.And how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always Screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my bigSister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels canGive you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I Think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes myWilly small. (Kevin age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two diversCan't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

13) On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was Going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired Right up her fat ass. (Jule age 7)

Man Of The House

The husband had just finished reading a new book, 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN Of YOUR HOUSE'
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, YOU need to know that I AM the MAN of this house, and my word is law!
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert afterward.
Then, after dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me,and we will have the sex that I want.
After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The freaking funeral director would be my guess."

Little Joe

For his birthday, little Joe asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Joe heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Joe told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike.

Global Warming At Its Best

Thanks Randy H.!

1st Grade Thoughts

A first grade school teacher in Virginia had 25 students in her class.
She presented each child in her classroom the first half of a well-known proverb and asked it to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

1. Don't change horses..........................until they stop running.

2. Strike while the.................................bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before...................Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of........termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but........how?
6. Don't bite the hand that.....................looks dirty.
7. No news is.......................................impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a .......................Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new .........math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll..........stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust.................................me.
12. The pen is mightier than the..............pigs.
13. An idle mind is.................................the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's..............pollution.
15. Happy is the bride who....................gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is.............................not much.
17. Two's company, three's .................the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what..........you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ... You have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as.................Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not..........spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed.............get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you ..... See in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind..............get out of the way.


And the WINNER and last one!
25. Better late than...............................Pregnant.

Thanks Randy H.!