A Young Man Dies...

A young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so an angel is admitting the newly arrived to Heaven.
The angel tells the three new arrivals that because so many drug dealers and other criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven that St. Peter must now be a little stricter with the screening process. Each person is required to state his former occupation and tell his or her yearly salary.
The first man in line says, "I was an actor, and I earned $1 million last year."
The angel says, "Okay, you may enter."
He turns to the woman in line and asks her about her life.
She states, "I earned $150,000 as an attorney." The angel thinks for a moment and then lets her in, too.
He turns to the third one in line and asks, "What have you done with your life?"
The man replies, "I earned $8,000 last year . . ."
"Oh," the angel interrupts. "What did you teach?

Stubbornness

The State Trooper Ball

A young woman was pulled over in Austin, Texas for speeding. As the Texas State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticketbook, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the TexasState Trooper's Ball." He replied, "Texas State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realizedwhat he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in the patrolcar and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.

No Laughing Matter

For Mom With Love???

Potential & Reality

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."

Thanks Maria!!

Kings & Pawns

Every Eminem Song Ever

There.....

An Irish man is sitting in a pub one night when 3 Englishmen
walked in. The men sit down, and start to talk about how
they can anger the Irishman. The first man says, “Watch this…”
He gets up, walks over to the Irishman and says, “hey man,
I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot.” The Irishman just
replies “Oh, is that so now?”



The Englishman goes back to his seat perplexed, when his friend
jumps up and says, “ Here, let me try that.” So he goes over to the
Irishman and says, “ Hey man, I hear that your St. Patrick was a
transvestite faggot.” The Irishman only replies, “Oh, is that so now ?”


So the Englishman, frustrated goes and sits down with his friends.
When the third Englishman jumps up and says, “Well

now, I gotta try that.” So he walks over to the Irishman and
says, “Hey I hear your St.Patrick was an ENGLISHMAN !!”


And the Irishman replies, “Aye, that’s what your friends
were saying.

Marketing

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome.

One has a cross in front of him; the other a Star of David.
Many people pass by and look at both beggars, but only
put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.


A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people
giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give
to the beggar behind the Star of David.


Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star
of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand?
This is a Catholic country, this city is the seat of Catholicism.
People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a
Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting
beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would
probably give to him just out of spite."


The beggar behind the 'Star of David' listened to the priest,
turned to the beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look
who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."

Midget On Cops... No Other Words Needed

There's A Party In Sweden's Pants...

Another Bad Idea For A Tattoo

Look Closely

100 Greatest George Carlin Quotes

• I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!


• Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.


• Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!


• A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.


• Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?


• I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.


• I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow.


• You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.


• If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?


• Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.


• If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.


• No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.


• There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.


• The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”


• The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
  Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.


• Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.


• Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.


• If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.


• If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.


• You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.


• Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.


• Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”


• As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.


• If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.


• The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.


• I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.


• I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.


• If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.


• You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick.


• By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.


• Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?


• Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?


• I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
  I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.


• When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.


• Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.


• I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.


• I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.


• I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.


• Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.


• So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.


• Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.


• Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”


• I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.


• Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.


• Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.


• God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
  I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.


• One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.


• If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?


• What year did Jesus think it was?


• George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.


• Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.


• In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.


• Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.


• “One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.


• No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.


• Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.


• The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.


• The future will soon be a thing of the past.
  The planet is fine. The people are fucked.


• The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.


• Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.


• The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.


• I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.


• Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.


• “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!


• Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.


• And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “Fuck waffles.”


• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.


• Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole.
  Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.


• Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?


• I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.


• Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.


• The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
  If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.


• “Meow” means “woof” in cat.


• Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.


• Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.


• “No comment” is a comment.


• If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.


• You can’t argue with a good blowjob.


• Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.


• So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.


• Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.


• Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?


• When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.


• The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.


• I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.


• If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!


• Hooray for most things!


• Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.


• I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.


• What was the best thing before sliced bread?


• May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.


• Life is a zero sum game.


• Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.


• I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.


• It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.

An Irish Man Sitting At A Pub

An Irish man is sitting in a pub one night when 3 Englishmen walked in. The men sit down, and start to talk about how they can anger the Irishman. The first man says, “Watch this…”He gets up, walks over to the Irishman and says, “hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a fag got.” The Irishman just replies “Oh, is that so now?”The Englishman goes back to his seat perplexed, when his friend jumps up and says, “ Here, let me try that.” So he goes over to the Irishman and says, “ Hey man, I hear that your St. Patrick was atransvestite fag got.” The Irishman only replies, “Oh, is that so now ?”So the Englishman, frustrated goes and sits down with his friends.When the third Englishman jumps up and says, “Well now, I gotta try that.” So he walks over to the Irishman and says, “Hey I hear your St.Patrick was an ENGLISHMAN !!”And the Irishman replies, “Aye, that’s what your friends were saying.

GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS..

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest and most obnoxious person in the world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy.
"It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says, "Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell?

Thanks Angie!