Be Careful What You Buy

Thanks Rob!

The Sensetive Man

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.


They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things she had never done with any other man.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?" The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says......................

.
.
.



"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."

Thanks Rob!

Little Know Facts About Money

Do you think you know a lot about money? Maybe you do. Maybe you don't. But let's see if any of the following facts are in any way surprising to you:

• More of our fantasies are about money... than sex.


• If we could have any luxury in the world (and money didn't matter) more of us would choose to spend money on a butler and a maid than anything else.


• 90% of Americans who own pets buy them Christmas gifts.


• Money is the leading cause of disagreements in marriages.


• 65% of Americans would live on a deserted island all by themselves for an entire year for $1,000,000.


• For $10,000,000 most of us would do almost ANYTHING! Including abandoning our family and friends and our church. A very high percentage of us would, for that same amount of money, change our race or sex. And, 1 in every 14, would even murder someone for ten million bucks. What's really strange about this is, the statistics remain the same whether it's ten million dollars all the way down to three million. For three million bucks, most of us would do the same horrible things we would do for ten million. But, guess what? Few of us would do these things for a "measly" two million.


• 92% of us would rather be rich than find the love of our lives.


• Here's a weighty one: Money (or the lack thereof) is the biggest stress inducer in the lives of Americans. We worry more about money than our marriages, our health, or even who's going to win the Superbowl Game or come out on top in the latest Survivor TV show.


• If you get your money out of a Hitachi ATM machine in Japan, it will be laundered. The way they do it is, they briefly press the bills between rollers at high enough temperatures to kill most bacteria.


• Women have very fixed ideas on how much they are willing to spend on a bra. 38.3% of women won't spend $30 for a bra. 28.4% won't spend $50. 10% would pay as much as $75. And, only 3.5% would shell out $100. But, you know what? Almost 20% of women say they would pay almost anything for a bra. This is because they consider (and I guess so do a few men) that the contents of what those bras are encasing is of extremely high-value.
  Nearly half of the people who sell their houses with furniture included will take all the light bulbs out of all the lamps when they vacate the premises.


• Most people won't bend over to pick up money lying on the sidewalk unless it's at least a dollar.


• Most Americans think pennies are a pain in the ass and the U.S. Mint should stop making them.


• There is about 405 billion dollars in circulation. Only 32 million of that amount is counterfeit. That means, the percentage of counterfeit money in America is .0079%. And, $20 bills are more often counterfeited than $100 bills.


• Do people care if their bills are crisp? Indeed, they do. Fresh, crisp, clean bills are considered much more valuable than those which are old, wrinkled and dirty.I once sent a 'dollar bill thank you' letter to a guy who sent a sincere letter back to me bitching the free $1 bill I sent him was wrinkled instead of crisp as I had described in the letter.


• Let's flip a coin and try to guess whether it will come up heads or tails. Three times as many people guess 'heads' than 'tails'.


• Here's one I personally think really sucks: One out of every four Americans believe their best chance of getting rich is by playing the lottery.


• How about this one for a shocking fact: 5% of lottery ticket buyers buy 51% of all tickets sold. (Trust me, none of these people belong to the "Einsteins of America Society".)
  A staggering 74% of us are influenced by how much we can win in a lottery as opposed to the odds of us winning.


• That's a good thing for the Government because the odds of winning a lottery jackpot are about 10 million to 1. A person who drives 10 miles to buy a lottery ticket is 3 times more likely to be killed in a car accident while driving to buy the ticket... than... he is to win the jackpot.


• Sunday newspaper coupon inserts are the second-most read section of the paper, after the front page.


• Few people know it but, you can buy single-disease insurance.


• Only 6% of people in America regularly buy clothes tailor made just for them.


• Here's one that's really important: 63% of us decide NOT to buy a product advertised on the Internet... because... we think the shipping and handling charges add too much to the order.


• Eight times as many Americans would rather use an ATM than deal with a real live teller.
  This one's going to blow your mind: 83% of Americans still pay with checks instead of credit cards!


• Almost 30% of us say we would need 3 million smackaroos to feel rich. This ties in with the fact most of us would do anything for as little as $3 million... but... not nearly as many of us would do those identical things for a measly $2 million. (Hey, here's your chance to take advantage of that situation. If you only want to pay $2 million to have something done, ask me if I'll do it. The chances are, believe it or not, I WILL DO IT.)


• Here's another fact which is really, really important: 80% of Americans say giving personal information (especially their credit card information) over the Internet scares the living shit out of them.


• Two-thirds of Americans say they wouldn't let their spouse spend the night and have sex with another person for a million dollars. Many of these people are liars. There's a big difference being asked if they would do it for a million dollars... as opposed to... handing them a paper sack containing the million fungolas and simply saying, "Here, you can have this if you'll let me sleep with your sweetie tonight."


• The average wedding in America costs a staggering $20,000.00.


• More than one-third of American women consider money more important than good sex to the success of a marriage.


• According to Employee Benefits Research Institute 96% of all people who have jobs right now won't be eligible for their full Social Security benefits when they reach age 65.


• When it comes to houses, more than anything else, people want a state-of-the-art kitchen.


• When people shop for a car, what they want more than anything else is reliability for the best possible price.


• One of the best ways to raise money for a charity is to have a free dinner for a lot of people and have an empty envelope tucked under their plate... for the express purpose... of making whatever size donation they want.


• People tip more on sunny days than they do on dreary days.


• More than 80,000,000 people call the I.R.S. Information Hotline phone number every year. One-third of those calls go unanswered. And, according to the Treasury Department itself, 47% of the answers the 'get-through' callers receive are incorrect.
  Almost two out of three people have modified their financial behavior because of their fears.


• Almost three times as many people who live in the South worry about losing their jobs as compared to people who live in the Midwest.


• Which would you rather do: Shop till you drop... or... have great sex?For men, this is a no-brainer.However, more women would actually rather have an unlimited shopping spree than spend a weekend with a fabulous lover. In fact, the #1 favorite fantasy of women is to have a blank check to shop at their favorite store.The favorite fantasy of men (at least in my opinion) is what we would like to DO to the sales girl... rather than... what we would like to buy from her.


• You can make a lot of money, suggesting domain names. Yes, it's true.

1st Breakup

Assume The Position

What?

A man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to, and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do," said the doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife was in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den.
He said to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what happens." In a normal tone he asked,
"Honey, what's for dinner?" No response.
So the husband moved closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife, and repeated,
"Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response.
Next he moved into the dining room where he was about 20 feet from his wife and asked,
"Honey, what's for dinner?" Again, no response.
So, he walked up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.
"Honey, What's for dinner?" Again, there was no response.
So he walked right up behind her.
"Honey, what's for dinner?"
(you'll just love this...)

"Earl, for the 5th time, CHICKEN!"

Letters To God

A nun asked her class to write notes to God. Here are some of them.

Dear God,I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool.

Dear God,Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't you just keep the ones you have?

Dear God,Maybe Cain and Abel would not have killed each other so much if they had their own rooms. That's what my Mom did for me and my brother.

Dear God,If you watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show you my new shoes.

Dear God,I bet it is hard for you to love everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I'm having a hard time loving all them.

Dear God,In school they told us what you do. Who does it when you're on vacation?

Dear God,Are you really invisible or is it just a trick?

Dear God,Is it true my father won't go to Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?

Dear God,Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?

Dear God,Who draws the lines around the countries?

Dear God,I went to this wedding and they kissed right in the church. Is that OK?

Dear God,Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you?" Because if you did, then I'm going to get my brother good.

Dear God,Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.

Dear God,Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.

Dear God,You don't have to worry about me; I always look both ways.

Dear God,I think about you sometimes, even when I'm not praying.

Dear God,Of all the people who work for you I like Noah and David the best.

Dear God,My brother told me about being born, but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they?

Dear God,I would like to live 900 years just like the guy in the Bible.

Dear God,We read that Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said you did it. So I bet he stole your idea.

Please Excuse

These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country, amazingly funny:

1) My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

2) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

3) Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.

4) Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5) Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6) John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7) Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8) Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9) Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10) Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11) Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diahre dyrea direathe the runs.

12) Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

13) Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14) Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father s fault.

15) I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don t know what size she wears.

16) Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

17) Sally won t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18) My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

19) Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20) Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21) Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

22) Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.