New Virus'

The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.

The John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causeslittle purple hearts to appear on screen.

The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive ; with NO memory

The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to keep counting andre-counting

The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy

The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, thene-mails everyone about what it did

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, butwill be back

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes

The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be insertedThe Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processordoesn't care

The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor filesLast but not least

The Lorena Bobbitt Virus Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inchfloppy...then discards it through windows..

And The Newsroom Goes Quiet...

Thanks Rob!

Dumb Things Famous People Say...

“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff,” –Mariah Carey

“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life,” –Brooke Shields,

during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any o
ther part of my body,” –Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,” –Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: “I wouldn’t live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,” –Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

“I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president,” –Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it,” ? A congressional candidate in Texas.

“I don’t feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves.” –John Wayne

“Half this game is ninety percent mental.” –Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”–Al Gore, Vice President

“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?” –Lee Iacocca

“I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version,” –Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

“The word “genius” isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein,” -Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

“We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.”–Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.” –Bill Clinton, President

“We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur.” –Al Gore, VP

“Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.” –Keppel Enderbery

“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.” –Department of Social Services,Greenville, South Carolina

“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.” –Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman.

Halloween Costumes

An old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time decided to dress up and go to a party.
The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked and tied a lemon between her legs.
When she came out, the old man cried, "You can't go out like that!"
She said, "I can go anyway I like and so can you."
Whereupon he retired to the bedroom and came out stark naked with a potato tied to his tallywhacker.
The old woman says, you're going out like that?"
And he replies, "Yep, if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a dick-tator.

Halloween Costumes

An old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time decided to dress up and go to a party.
The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked and tied a lemon between her legs.
When she came out, the old man cried, "You can't go out like that!"
She said, "I can go anyway I like and so can you."
Whereupon he retired to the bedroom and came out stark naked with a potato tied to his tallywhacker.
The old woman says, you're going out like that?"
And he replies, "Yep, if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a dick-tator.

Male Maturity

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.

So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring! She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.

So I decided to find a girl with some ambition. When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now 67 and am looking for a girl with big tits.

Thanks Rob!

Father Son Talk

A little boy comes home from school and tells his father that his homework assignment is to find out the difference between “potentially” and “realistically.”

“Easy,” says his father. “First, ask Mom if she’d sleep with the mailman for a million dollars.”

The boy runs off, then comes back and says, “She said yes.”

“Now go ask your sister the same question,” advises the father.Again the boy runs off, and again he comes back and says, “She said yes.”

“So, potentially, we’re sitting on two million dollars,” replies the father. “But, realistically, we’re living with a pair of whores.”

Just Like Frank

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right - all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank - every single time."

Passenger: "Well, nobody gets everything right."

Cabbie: "Frank did. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"

Cabbie: "There's more.......He had a memory like a computer. Never forgot a birthday or an anniversary. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, and didn't mind asking for directions if he needed them. I always seem to go the wrong way and get stuck in traffic."

Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He'd never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - the perfect man!"

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you know him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabbie: "I married his f------ widow."

Thanks Randy H.!

Traffic Accident Report of The Day

A Little Rock woman was killed yesterday after leapingthrough her moving car's sunroof during an incident best described as "a mistaken rapture" by dozens of eyewitnesses. Thirteen other people were injured after a twenty-car pileup resulted from people trying to avoid hitting the woman who was apparently convinced that the rapture was occurringwhen she saw twelve people floating up into the air, andthen passed a man on the side of the road who she claimed was Jesus."She started screaming "He's back, He's back" andclimbed right out of the sunroof and jumped off the roof ofthe car," said Everet Williams, husband of 28-year-oldGeorgann Williams who was pronounced dead at the scene."I was slowing down but she wouldn't wait till I stopped,"Williams said. She thought the rapture was happening and wasconvinced that Jesus was gonna lift her up into the sky," hewent on to say."This is the strangest thing I've seen since I've been on the force," said Paul Madison, first officer on the scene. Madison questioned the man who looked like Jesus anddiscovered that he was dressed up as Jesus and was on hisway to a toga costume party when the tarp covering the bedof his pickup truck came loose and released twelve blow upsex dolls filled with helium which floated up into the air.Ernie Jenkins, 32, of Fort Smith, who's been told by severalof his friends that he looks like Jesus, pulled over and lifted his arms into the air in frustration, and said "Come back here," just as the Williams' car passed him, and Mrs.Williams was sure that it was Jesus lifting people up intothe sky as they passed by him, according to her husband, whosays his wife loved Jesus more than anything else. When asked for comments about the twelve sex dolls, Jenkinsreplied "This is all just too weird for me. I never expectedanything like this to happen."

Working Hard

via

Boo Hoo....

Thanks Randy H.!