George Carlin's New Rules

New Rule:
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target has introduced a> redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge ass hole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the> kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because apparently watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go crazy and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

Thanks Ron!

Dumb Ass Parent Of The Day

BILOXI, Miss. (AP) - Leann Real promised her husband, an avid sports fan, that if they ever had a son he'd get to pick the name. ESPN Montana Real was born this week at Biloxi Regional Medical Center.
Rusty Real, of D'Iberville, chose ESPN (pronounced Espen) after the sports network and Montana after football legend Joe Montana.
Baby ESPN isn't alone.
Three others were cited in a 2005 report on tivocommunity.com about the network's 25th anniversary. They are Espn Malachi McCall in Pampa, Texas; Espn Curiel in Corpus Christi, Texas; and Espn Blondeel in Michigan.
"We were the talk of the hospital," Rusty Real said. "The nurses kept asking my wife if she was really going to let her husband name him ESPN. She said, 'Oh, yes.'"

All I can Say Is... Wow

Check out this strange photo where doctors surgically (temporarily) attach a man’s torn-off limb to his crotch in order to save it:

If you had met Israel Sarrio in March 2004, you may not have wanted to shake hands with him mostly because his hand was sticking out of his crotch. The then-25-year-old truck driver had his arm reattached after it was torn off in a tragic accident, but when it became infected, doctors had to re-amputate it to treat the ailing limb and stump. The arm was attached to Sarrio’s groin, which kept the limb alive by feeding it blood through its veins and arteries while doctors worked to cure the infection on the stump it was taken from. It was later successfully reattached.

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It Ain't Easy Being Cheesy...

My All Time Favorite Commercial

Little Johnny & Sex-Ed

A teacher was giving a lesson in sex education toher fourth grade class. After showing a brief film and reading thelesson, she asked if anyone had any questions.

One little boy held up his hand shyly."Teacher, I have a boy dog and he jumps over thefence and wrestles with this girl dog and she has puppies. Is this sex?" "Yes, that's sex," the teacher replied.

A little girl raised her hand. "Teacher, Ihave a girl cat and there's a boy cat that jumpson her out in the yard and they wrestle. Then she has kittens. Is that sex?""Yes, that's sex," the teacher replied.

Little Johnny then raised his hand. "Teacher,the other night I saw a movie where three guyswrestled with Sylvester Stallone. Is that sex?""No, that was not sex," the teacher replied."Good," Little Johnny replied. "I alwaysthought it would take more than three guys toF*&$ Stallone in the ass."

OU Vs. Texas Longhorns Jokes!

Allow me to be the first to "bring it"...
Q: How do you starve a Sooner?A: Hide the food stamps under the soap.
Q: What's the difference between Sooner fans and a puppy?A: The puppy eventually stops whining.
Did you hear about the Sooner who was a dyslexic agnostic with insomnia?He laid awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.
Q: How can you tell if a Sooner is a married man?A: There's tobacco juice running down both doors of his pickup.
Q: Why do Oklahoma cheerleaders wear bibs?A: To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.
Q: What's the difference between an OU Cheerleader and Bigfoot?A: One's 6 feet tall and hairy.
Hook Em' Horns!!!-----------------------------------------------
I'll never understand why one cheers for a team named for law-breaking, land-grabbing thieves. Are the "Sooners" still land-grabbers, by the way? We know well about the first part...
My favorite team? Whoever is lined up across from the law-breaking, land-grabbing thieves of zero-U. Thus I transition easily and smoothly from "Go Ducks!" to "Hook 'Em!"
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A woman was walking through her new house in Norman with the contractor.
As they walked through rooms, she told him what color she wanted him to paint each room.
In the bedroom she said, "I think this would be nice in a cream." The contractor stuck his head out of the window and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP!"
This perplexed the woman. They moved to the living room and she said, I would love rose in this area." Again the contractor strolled over to the window and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP!"
Again the woman was confused but did not say anything. As they walked into the kitchen she proudly announced that she wanted this room to be, " a glorious shade of mauve." Once again the contractor went to the window and yelled,"GREEN SIDE UP!"
Finally she could not stand this anymore. "What are you shouting GREEN SIDE UP out every window of this house?"
He replied,"I'm sorry. I have a crew of OU football players laying sod across the street."
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Albert Einstein goes to a party. He introduces himself to a lady and says, "Hi, I'm Albert Einstein. What's you're IQ?".........."240," she says. "Great, we can discuss the mysteries of the universe and other things. We have a lot we can talk about " he replies.
Later he is talking with a man and says, "Hi, I'm Albert Einstein. What's you're IQ?"......."145," he replies. "Great, we can talk about thermodynamics," says Albert.
Later he is talking to another gentleman and says, "Hi, I'm Albert Einstein. What's you're IQ?........"43," the man manages to say. Einstein gets a puzzled look on his face for a minute then says, "How about them Sooners?"
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Two Sooner fans were working for the city works department.
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved onto the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-man team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick."
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Three students, 1 from Baylor, 1 from UT, and 1 from OU decide to attend the Big 12 Track & Field Finals. Only problem is they don't have tickets.
The Baylor Bear with a bit of ingenuity puts on a track suit, grabs a hubcap from his car, and reports to the attendant at the gate where the athletes enter saying, "Baylor University, discus." He is allowed to pass.
The Longhorn dons a track suit, grabs a nearby metal pole and reports to the same attendant saying, "UT, pole vault." He too is allowed to enter the event.
Finally, the Sooner puts on his athletic gear, goes to his pickup and cuts off a piece of barbed wire from a roll in the pickup bed. He reports to the attendant with these words, "Oklahoma University, fencing."
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Bottle Of Wine

Wally was driving home from one of his business trips in Northern Arizona when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road.As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the man got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Wally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man. The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Wally.
"What in bag?" asked the old man. Wally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife." The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said: "Good trade....."

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