Why We Love Kids

1) NUDITY - I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked!As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
2) OPINIONS - On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents"
3) KETCHUP - A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
4) MORE NUDITY - A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
5) POLICE # 1 - While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?""Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?""Yes, that's right," I told her."Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
6) POLICE # 2 - It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied.Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
7) ELDERLY - While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
8) DRESS-UP - A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.""And why not, darling?""You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.
9) DEATH - While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always sang: "Glory be to the Faaather, and to the Sonnn, and into the hole he goes."
10) SCHOOL - A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
11) BIBLE - A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out."What have you got there, dear?"With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered , "I think it's Adam's underwear."

Money

It can buy you a House,

But not a Home.

It can buy you a Bed,

But not Sleep.

It can buy you a Clock,

But not Time.

It can buy you a Book,

But not Knowledge.

It can buy you a Position,

But not Respect.

It can buy you Medicine,

But not Health.

It can buy you Blood,

But not Life.

It can buy you Sex,

But not Love.

So you see, money isn't everything. The best things in life can't be bought, and often we destroy ourselves trying!

I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your needless pain and suffering...

So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.
A truer Friend than me you will never find.
CASH ONLY, PLEASE

10 Attributes Of Really Lazy People

1. Inability to put forth the effort required to complete any task.

Thinking of Having Kids????

Thinking of Having Kids?**PLEASE, Do this 15 step program first! *

*Lesson 1
1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5 Read it for the last time.

*_Lesson 2_*Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple whoAlready are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild .
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child'sbreastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.

Enjoy it, because it will be the last time in your life you will dare >to have all the answers.

*_Lesson 3_*A really good way to discover how the nights might feel....
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound)playing loudly. ( Eat cold food with one hand fordinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and g o to work (work hard and be productive)Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

*_Lesson 4_*Can you stand the mess children make? To find out....
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc........Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons.Now, How does that look?

*_Lesson 5_*_ _>Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.>
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.>
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out. >Allow time for this - every morning.>

*_Lesson 6 _*>
1. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a jar of paint, turn it into an alligator.>
2. Now take the tube from a roll of toilet paper. Using only Scotch tape and a piece of aluminum foil, turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. >
3. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty packet of Cocoa Puffs; Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower>

*_Lesson 7 _*>Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van.>And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that . >
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glovecompartment.....Leave it there.>
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.>
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the f loor, then smash them with your foot. >
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.>Now it's ready.>

*_Lesson 8 _*>
1. Get ready to go out.>
2. Sit on the floor of your bathroom reading picture books for half an hour. >
3. Go out the front door.>
4. Come in again....Go out.>
5. Come back in.>
6. Go out again.>
7. Walk down the front path.>
8. Walk back up it.>
9. Walk down it again.>
10. Walk very slowly down the sidewalk for five minutes. >
11. Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way.>
12. Retrace your steps.>
13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbors come out and stare at you.>
14. Finally...Give up and go back into the house.>You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.>

*_Lesson 9 _*>Repeat everything you have learned at least (if not more than) five times.

*_Lesson 10 _*>Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is excellent).>If you intend to have more than one child,then definitely take more than one goat. >Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight.>Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.>Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children. >

*_Lesson 11 _*>
1. Hollow out a melon.>
2. Make a small hole in the side.>
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.>
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. >
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.>
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.>You are now ready to feed a nine month old baby.>

*_Lesson 12 _*>Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Wiggles, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel, Nic, or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's "Noggin"?)....... Exactly the point.

*_Lesson 13 _*>Move to the tropics. Find or make a compost pile. Dig down about halfway and stick your nose in it. Do this 3-5 times a day for at least two years.>You are now ready to change diapers. >

*_Lesson 14 _*>Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying "mommy" repeatedly.>(Important: no more than a four second delay between each "mommy"; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). >Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years.>You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.>

*_Lesson 15 _*>Start talking to an adult of your choice; Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the "mommy" tape made from Lesson 14 above.>You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room. >This is all very tongue in cheek, anyone who is parent will say "it's all worth it!">Share it with your friends, both those who do and don't have kids. I guarantee they'll get a chuckle out of it. >Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you'll need when you become a parent.

Thanks Maria!

Water = Poop

Everyone should take heed to this!
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of one year wewill have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E.coli) a bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poop. However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine, because alcohol hasto go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting. Remember: Water = Poop Alcohol = Health Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit. There's no need to thank me for this valuable information; I'm doing it as a public service!

Thanks Angie!