Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed wasnicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, proppedup prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad."

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you . I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm surethat we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wantedto remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.


Thanks Michael R.!

Tick Warning

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally... but this one is real, and it's important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e- mail list.If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!! They only want to see you naked.I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.

Warning To All Grandpas

ALL GRANDPAS, HEED THIS WARNING : Do NOT lose your Grand kids in the Mall !A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"The cop asked, "What's he like?"The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Crown Royal whiskey and women with big breasts."

Evening Classes For Men

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of their contents, eachcourse will accept a maximum of eight participants each.

How to fill ice-cube trays. Step by step with slide presentation.

Lavatory paper rolls: do they grow on the holders? Round-table discussion.

Differences between the laundry basket and the floor. Pictures and explanatory graphics.

The after-dinner dishes and silverware: can they levitate and flyinto the kitchen sink? Examples on video.

Loss of identity: losing the remote to your significant other. Helpline and support groups.

Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open forum.

Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health. Graphics and audiotape.

Real men ask for directions when lost. Real-life testimonials.

Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation.

Learning to live: basic differences between mother and wife. Online class and role-playing.

How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation exercises,meditation and breathing techniques.

How to fight cerebral atrophy: remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you are going to be late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

Priceless

Divorce

Today is Special, Just Like You

Today is International Disadvantaged People's Day. Please send an encouraging message to a retarded friend...just as I've done. I don't care if you lick windows, eat paint chips, take the short bus or occasionally crap yourself...You hang in there sunshine, you're special!

Smoke Signals

At her father's wake, a woman told her priest that ever since she was a child she and her father had discussed life after death. They had agreed that whoever went first would contact the other. They had discussed this again just two weeks before his death.A few days after his death, the smoke alarm in her garage went off. She had lived there 28 years and it had never gone off before. She couldn't turn it off so she called the security company that installed it.The next morning the smoke alarm sounded again and the reason finally dawned on her. She said aloud, "Okay, dad, I missed the signal yesterday but I get it now! Thanks for letting me know that you are safe on the other side. Now turn the thing off so I don't have to call the security company again." The alarm fell silent.She immediately called her priest to tell him the good news. His response: "Dear lady, if every time your father sends you a message he sets off the smoke alarm, just where do you think he is calling from?"

Chicken

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed Beside his sleeping wife, andfell into a deep slumber.He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph."

Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be!I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, andthat is as a chicken." Ralph was devastated, but begged St Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, andpecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh?

How's your first day here?" "Not bad," replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside.Like I'm gonna explode!" "You're ovulating," explained the rooster."Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?""Never," said Ralph. "Well, just relax and let it happen,"says the rooster. "It's no big deal."Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralphwas overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of hishead, and heard his wife shout....."Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shitting in the bed!"

Thanks Rob!

Something Really Cool!

At three minutes and four seconds after 2 AM on the 6th of May this year, the time and date will be

02:03:04 05/06/07.

This will never happen again.

Thanks Randy H.!

A Few Quickies!

More Quickies

1. "I was in McDonald's and I saw this kid take his Happy Meal toy and throw it on the ground. His mom said, 'Hey, you play with that. There are children in China who are manufacturing those!'" -- Laura Silverman.

2. One morning a man comes into the church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches.An altar boy witnessed the scene and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.Without batting an eye, the priest says, "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?""Over by the holy water, Father. Flat on his back." -- Anonymous.

3. After Chelsea returned from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a good time.Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and she thinks she's in love.Hillary said, "You didn't have sex, did you?""Not according to Dad," said Chelsea. --Ollie

Thanks Randy H.!